Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Like A Virgin

Remember the time you were trying to lose your virginity? It was a beautiful and
exciting time, wasn't it? There was this zeal, this determined attitude about you. You always kept
*all parts* of yourself clean and groomed, you never knew when you might have to show your
privates to somebody in private! You tried your best to appear fresh and bright at all times. You had
never felt healthier or cleaner in life.

Remember the bump inside your pants whenever you saw a prospective partner who
just might be the one to help you overcome this herculean hurdle? Then the practice condoms, the
so called educative porn, the dirty nightwear, and your parents wondering how the lotion and the
tissue were getting over so quickly?

Those were the days. The days when there was something to look forward to, when
there was actually something to live for. And I'm sure each one of you misses those innocent times.

Well, guess what!? I do not. Not any more at least. You must've gotten some idea at
the very least from the title of this text as to what I am writing about. Its been so long since I last
copulated that I feel like a virgin all over again. And you know what, it feels great!

I've learnt that there are 3 stages in this 'returning to innocence' cycle.

First stage is naturally the frustration of not getting any action. Its very simple and to
the point, you're frustrated that you're not getting any action! Yes, that's about it. Since you've
experienced the joy of having sex, or if you've been lucky enough, then the experience of making
love, and now that you're not getting any of either, you feel horny and frustrated and some of you
even end up paying to get that feel again. Well, some actually started that way only, so for them its
all cool I guess. But that's besides the point, so moving on.

But now, the scene has changed. You present yourself nicely, you give your best shot
to every girl, you're basically back in the game baby! There's a whole new world out(in) there for
you to explore, a world you've completely forgotten about, and in a way you've never really known
before. You're pure again, you're chaste. And then all of a sudden you feel like Neo. You
desperately want to see how deep the rabbit hole really goes. You're the 'ONE' my main man, its
meant to be. And who doesn't want to be Neo, are you like a fag or something?

People and their researches might say that having regular sex is good for you, that its
a good way to exercise, and that it makes you feel young. HA! I say all that is completely false.
Staying away from sex for so long that you actually forget experiencing it in the first place is
AWESOME! You feel like that little kid again, you've rediscovered your innocence. And all this
without putting in all the effort in what you call 'Sexercise'. And is there anything more youthful
than feeling like a 14 year old kid again? Is there? I don't think so.

So all you beautiful people out there, stop having sex and become young again. The
child inside you is craving to come out and you know it. Don't all of you want to be young once
more? I believe, my dear friends, I just provided all of you with an elaborate answer to that. So
come join me!

Here's wishing you all good luck. See you when you're young. And maybe when we
touch each other next time we'll feel the fireworks yet again. Really looking forward to that.

Cheers all!


P.S. - I do not promote rape.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Osama Bin Laden Used To Litter

Do you think a guy who is conscious enough about his surroundings and never litters could bomb a building and kill more than 3,000 people in the process? No, right? Come on! Think about it. A guy who thinks, “Okay so I will keep the wrapper of this toffee and chocolate inside my pocket and let my jeans become a little dirty from the inside but not litter here on the road and throw the wrappers in a proper dustbin later on”, cannot be the guy who also thinks, “Although I am not dirtying the streets here but let’s blow a building and kill thousands of innocent people tonight!” It just doesn't add up.

So littering is not just about keeping your surroundings clean and the environment safe, it is also about a sense of consciousness at a deeper level. If one can be considerate about a basic thing like this then you can easily assume that the said person is guided by a sorted set of principles.

Another case in example: A drunk and horny guy on the street taking pangas with a girl and running away from cops wouldn’t really go like, “Oh no! I must not throw the cigarette stub or the gutkha packet on the road. My city should stay clean.” I rest my case.

Actually, no. I won’t give up so easily. I shall not let my case rest, but only try and make it stronger. So here are some advantages of not littering –
  1. You keep your city clean. Firangs no more call India a dirty country.
  2. Rapists litter. Terrorists litter. If you don’t litter, you’re neither a terrorist nor a rapist.
  3. You help save the environment. I guess. Plastic n stuff? Not biodegradable?
  4. Never again will an innocent person skid off a banana peel and fall and die.
  5. All problems of this country will be solved. Forever. Be it over-population, poverty, corruption, obesity, premature ejaculation, morning wood, evening wood, afternoon wood, walking-on-the-road-in-tight-pants-on-a-hot-sunny-day-when-a-cow-passes-by-and-i-get-wood or just plain Bollywood. Consider these issues sorted.

You must be wondering what the hell is up with the last point. Yaar isn’t it all quite simple? We Indians would need to make a conscious effort to not litter. It will take time. Say, over a period of 6 months to 1 year we get used to not littering. So a guy who was built to litter, from cigarette butts and empty chips packets to sticking chewing gums under seats and painting the roads red with the paan remnants, will be a guy who consciously stops himself from doing any of those things making him a much better person in the process. A guy with a conscience like that, under normal circumstances, WILL NOT do much wrong. Just think about it. Sounds correct, right?

So don’t give excuses like “Hey! Everyone else does it. So why should I bother?” or “See it is already so dirty, how is this little wrapper going to make it worse?” If everyone else is doing it, stop them! You keep it clean, and other will learn. Yes. That’s the hope. And if it is already dirty, why make it worse? Simple logic, people. Elementary, in fact.

Another common one that I have heard “Dude this is natural (referring to a half eaten apple maybe). This is not bad for the environment.” And I’m like “Okay but why dirty the place? Might not be harmful, but at least it makes the road look dirty right?” I mean you never really dirty the malls. But so easily throw anything and everything on the streets? Why the heck? Ghar pe kooda failao, at least the maid will clean it the next day. Why outside? Dayum!

So a kind request to all. Stop littering. Do not throw away those empty packets or wrappers here and there. You have pockets or at the very least hands. Use them. We all have dustbins at home. Or you WILL find a waste bin somewhere or the other. Unless it is completely unavoidable, try not to litter. Once you get used to it, you’ll be surprised how weird it feels to look at people just littering blatantly. It’s just annoying. It is wrong.

Think about it.

(Issued in pubic interest of the world. Pubic health and hygiene is of utmost importance)

Saturday, 5 May 2012

IPL Ki Ma Ka Bhoot

Cricket is not what it used to be
There was a time when I actually used to see
At least all the matches between India and Pak
Ashes ko Hindi mein kehte hain raakh?

IPL has screwed what we loved about the game
Even the name itself says ‘I Pee L’, so lame
It’s just a club for all flop Bollywood stars
I’d rather throw my money at ‘em chicks in dance bars

Playing colony cricket at the adjacent ‘Gobar Park’ was much more fun
IPL is just a means of making money and make hay in the sun
And do you remember Sahara Cup Sharjah Cup or even the Ashes
These guys play so much of cricket, I’m sure their balls have rashes

The number of players and teams remind me of DPSRKP
Where ‘class’ sections were from A-Z to even AA-ZeeZee
They probably even don’t know all the players from their own team
Hey! Why doesn’t somebody make a funny IPL meme?

Pee Pee Poo Poo Paa Paa that flop IPL signature tune
Can’t wait for it to get over in fucking June
IPL to cricket is what Fleshlight is to sex
And test cricket now is like the extinct T-Rex

Such creative people these who thought of the name
Bloody direct copy from EPL completely same to same
But lund when it comes to skills or class
How do you pronounce it base or baas?

Stadiums are empty, tickets go waste
Pepsodent Whitening is my favourite toothpaste
That is called brand placement in a poem you fools
I own a Nokia N79 and it’s so cool

Sincere request to all IPL fans
Plural of man is men not mans
A bigger ball you need to follow now
You still ignore soccer I wonder how

To make matters worse, Sachin enters politics
Oh! What you gonna do if I call him a dick?
He was the Indian I respected the most
But being a neta is nothing to boast

How much money he needed I wonder at times
That he had to fall low to the level of crimes
Ab Sachin ke naam  ka lagega naara
Saffola se behtar tel hai Dhaara

Mujhe dikh raha hai Cricket ka ant
Player banenge saare saadhu sant
Jo na bane unhe le jaaye yamdoot
Saare bolo IPL ki ma ka bhoot!