Thursday, 21 June 2012

Nokia Ko Yes Kiya

For a change I am not going to start a blog with a question because I have reached the supreme level of consciousness where I already know all the answers. I know that most of us from the 1990’s have used a Nokia at some point in our lives. I also know that the same bunch of people don’t use one anymore. Hum sabne Nokia ko no kiya.

And this transition from Nokia to Samsung/Apple/Micromax/Lava/Intex has happened for obvious reasons. Nokia has just not been able to keep up with the changing times. On one side the competition has been churning out innovative stuff day in day out whereas Nokia on the other side have for some reason stuck to their roots and have seldom done anything that could be termed as ‘out of the box’. Thanks to the low sales, even their phones haven’t been out of the box in a long time.

Let me clearly state certain facts before I continue.
I am not a phone geek.
I have NEVER bought a phone in my life.
I am 25 years old.
I never intend to buy a phone in my life.
I currently use a Nokia N79.
If I were to buy a phone I’d go for the ‘next’ iPhone.
I am immensely happy with my current phone.

I have had close contact with Nokia over the past 8 months. I have had so much ‘Nokia’ in my life that I can’t really look at Nokia objectively anymore (In one of my dreams I said ‘I Nokia You’ to my girl instead of ‘I Love You’ – True story). I have been around some of the biggest phone geeks you’ll ever come across. Out of which, quite strangely, there’s a guy who’s a big fashion enthusiast too, who convinced me into buying my first pair of Nike’s ever. Not a bad deal, actually. But I still don’t consider myself a phone geek. Heck I’m not even an enthusiast for that matter considering the phone I use. But what I do consider myself is a person who now has a better understanding of mobile phones in general, knows a thing or two about the mobile phone industry, and one who has seen the good, the bad and the ugly side of Nokia.

What I really appreciate about Nokia is one thing and one thing only. They didn’t give in to the competition. They didn’t go the Android way. They took them head on and they’re still fighting. Not saying that this decision was a wise one or not, I’m nobody to pass judgement on that. It hasn’t worked for them till now and it might just get worse in the coming times. Or maybe not. They might get extinct in the coming times but they’ll always be remembered fondly and Shamesung or SonyErection phones shall never gain the cult status that Nokia phones have garnered over time. You’ll always remember Nokia just like you remember Dekh Bhai Dekh. Though I sincerely hope this day never comes. Long live the Finnish giants.

So you may or may not be a Nokia user right now, but you cannot ignore their presence. Amongst the crowd it is still the popular one. They have attempted to come out with new and interesting stuff, viz. the Lumia series and now the PureView. How successful they have been or going to be, one really cannot be too sure.

They might be considered fools, idealistic, rigid, but at least they are original. They’re not afraid of a challenge. They fight. And they live.

And that’s why... Maine Nokia ko Yes Kiya....

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

A Classically Mild Old Monk Eating a Chicken Roll

Ever been out for dinner with a bunch of vegetarians and noticed how they always end up ordering the same old Dal Makhni and Shahi Paneer even at a Japenese restaurant? Or that one person who coughs when YOU smoke or that chick who wouldn’t even dare touch that glass of champagne at your parents’ 50th anniversary?

We’ve all seen them lurking in the shadows, sleeping in our houses, working at the same office and delivering milk to our neighbours every morning. Yes. I’m talking about our very own NOTAC. It’s scary. It’s a disease. And its numbers are increasing by the day.

What may a NOTAC be you might be wondering, right? Well kind sir and madam, a NOTAC is nothing less than a zombie out there to eat you up. It’s worse than the love child of Ram Gopal Varma and Celina Jaitley (that’s assuming Ramu’s still got his balls after Department and Celina hasn’t sold her ovaries for a role in No Entry 2). It’s very difficult to really have a specific name for a NOTAC because nothing other than a ‘Chutiya’ suits them. And that is exactly what they stand for. Nothing. Other. Than. A. Chutiya. N.O.T.A.C.

A NOTAC is a creature who does not smoke or drink or eat non vegetarian food. A creature, I write, because it is no human after all. Humans were meant to kill animals and drink their blood. Jesus himself got drunk on wine and got it on with other Jewbs (Jewish boobs). And Shiva as we all know smoked till his third eye got red. So, you tell me dear reader, being a believer or an atheist, how can someone who does not kill, smoke or drink be called a human?

We normal human beings are still not prepared to deal with a creature that stops us from rubbing a surprise birthday cake on its face and says “Hey! Is that eggless?” Or the one that can dance without drinking! It’s not natural and we must put a stop to this fast.

These so called animal lovers and religious nuts are converting every human into a NOTAC and planning to take over the world soon. They want to create a darker world where no animal ever dies (imagine a cock instead of Tom Hanks in The Green Mile), where there is no booze (Johnny will die out of lethargy because he will stop walking) and a world without smoke (well, how the fuck do we get high then?)!

Come join hands with me and help eradicate this menace that is plaguing the society worse than The Great Plague of London. Do it for humanity. Save the world. Help... me....

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Tattyamev Jayate

“Oh God! This place is such a mess. This country is in the dumps. There’s violence all around, there’s rapes happening in front of us and nobody’s doing a thing! Yet again I will have to change the world. Just like I did when I started making watchable movies when people were going gaga over crap like K3G’s and Kal Ho Na Hoes .” – Why Aamir Khan is doing what he is doing.

Bitch, please. Quit this show and go back to making good films. You’re right that you make good films but the show is sad. Both figuratively and literally.

You’re a brilliant actor. And you act on the show. You’ve even somehow managed to make your guests act brilliantly well. No more are audience members of a talk show caught unaware of a camera looking at them; instead they’re all ready with their fake laughs, set hair and those ridiculously phoney smiles. You do realise that when you’re on the show you’re not playing a character. You need to have a human connect which is completely missing. You’re not natural. You’re still Aamir Khan the actor. And not Aamir Khan the human. Be human. Learn from Salman. Kill a pedestrian or two. Or better still, go shoot a buck. You get the publicity AND a new fur jacket for your ugly wannabe pseudo intellectual specs wearing wife.

And what’s up with all these issues you talk about, huh? Domestic violence, child abuse, dowry, Imtiaz Ali making films, Prateik Babbar acting, female foeticide... It’s like saying there’s air we breathe, there’s water we drink, food we eat and faeces we make. We know it man. We already know all of this. You mentioning it on national TV does not change a thing. Do you really think a guy who beat his wife will watch you on TV and say “Oh Aamir! My lord! My saviour! You have helped me see the great truth. You have opened my eyes. I shall never again lay a hand on my wife!” Or are you expecting a guy, who dumped his daughter in a drum full of milk, to be filled with remorse? It ain’t happening in this lifetime boss.

I do not want to sound all cynical and pessimistic. Just want to share the reality. I am, in fact, very hopeful about things in life. I don’t like cribbing much. I see the positive side. And all that mumbo jumbo that comes with this sort of a mindset. Won’t get into the gyaan part.

What I am trying to say is that I really appreciate your intention behind the show. Not the real one (to make money) but the fake one of an attempt to change the world and make it a better place. But not like this man. Not so much crap. Don’t mislead our junta with a less than average intellect level. They eat whatever you feed. Don’t take undue advantage of that fact. Want to bring about a real change? Go out and do something. For real. Away from the airconditioned studio and the conditioned studio audience that comes along with it. Quit acting. We can manage with one less Ghajini or Lagaan or your latest threesome with Kareena and Rani. Forget fame and money. This world needs you. Not Aamir Khan but the human in you. The human in me. In all of us. And by that I do not mean your boyfriend who is in you when you’re on him. No. Get it, right?

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Asli Mard Kaun?

Remember the time we used to make love, 
It was the most beautiful time of my life, 
And now you've moved on, 
And become someone else's wife. 

I walk around aimlessly, 
And I see you at every turn, 
And I just wish to god then, 
To hurt you and your guy just the way i burn. 

Oh we used to be so happy,
I'll never know what went wrong, 
You turned out to be such a bitch, 
You even stole my thong. 

So that is what was troubling you, 
That I used to cross dress at times, 
And enjoy a dildo up my ass, 
Now baby thats no more a crime. 

Just because I wore make up, 
And skirts I loved to wear, 
Didn't make me a bad person, 
Neither did waxing all my body hair. 

So yeah pink and purple looked best on me, 
And g strings looked so fine, 
But come on baby I was still a man, 
Even your clothes I used to design. 

So what if he's got a six pack, 
And what if he's super rich, 
He can't understand your feelings like I do, 
Stayfree or whisper I know better is which. 

Come back my sweety pie, 
You know who's the real man, 
I'm wearing your favourite pink pyajama's, 
I'll role play barbie and you be kan. 

Muah! Kisses XOXO XDXD. :-* BT.

Monday, 11 June 2012

Where's My Pop?

I know where my daddy is, he is sleeping in his room with my mommy. Like, actually sleeping. Or maybe not. Either ways, I am cool with it. Why shouldn’t I be? That’s how I was born right? That’s how you were born as well. Most of you, at least. It’s weird to say that your parents also might have a sex life, right? Well, let it be, let’s not start thinking about that and feel all grossed out.

What I am talking about here is Pop music. Indi-pop to be precise. Where the heck has it disappeared off to? Where are Colonial Cousins? Where’s Instant Karma? Where is Silk Route? Where the heck is Biddu? Where is everyone? We all know the answer. And the answer is – Bollywood. Money. Sell outs. A bunch of frikkin’ sell outs. That’s what happened to Indi-Pop music. Bollywood & Money.

While the international pop scene continues to prosper, the scene here is as good as non-existent. I know much has been written and spoken about this topic, but I guess it’s better late than never. Never say never. Justin Bieber. See, I do not listen to Justin Lesbian Bieber but at least I have heard of him. There is a difference between listening and hearing. And forget about listening to Indi-Pop, I haven’t even heard of it in ages. Just sad. Just plain frikkin’ sad. Sad but true. No no, that is rock. Or metal, as the name suggests – Metallica.

There is no reason other than money that every artist has moved on to greener (not so much) pastures and dirtier shores of Bollywood, in Mumbai. Dirty in every sense of the word. The money, the crap, the shores, the skin (oops), the politics (wasn’t that Delhi?), the money and last but not the least but definitely the worst – ANTILLA! Yes my dear Mukesh bitch Ambani, you take the cake when it comes to defining ugly, dirty and crappy.

Coming back to the real issue here. Oh yes, rapes and murders and corruption and poverty can be ignored, all I am worried about is Indi-Pop music. Because obviously that will change the state this country is in. Never underestimate the power of music. I am not exaggerating here. If there was a music movement going on right now, there would be some great independent music out there, with meaningful songs unlike the stupid Munni, Sheila and Chikni Chameli. Meaningful, yes. Hot, probably not.

Let’s get Indi-pop music back into the scene. Let’s not give into Bollywood. Let us all stand up against this onslaught of crappy music we call a Bollywood movie soundtrack and get the independent musicians back in action for the sake of music. Are you with me?

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Pati, Patni Aur Twitter

I used to love her so
She’d be there whenever I was low
I could count on her day and night
She’d just make every day of mine bright

I’d tell her everything about my day
She’d listen till the night turned gay
I even used to poke her a lot just for fun
She’d just laugh out loud till I was done

I’d sit all day and show her my pics
She’d like ‘em all even if I looked like a dick
She’d even say “You were oh so cute as a child!”
And hearing that just gave me this pleasure wild

I’d even write to her every now and then
She even helped me make a couple of new friends
And being drunk around her was no issue at all
She’d always say “Go party and have a ball!”

But who knew it’d get so complicated all so soon
Around her I became worse than a wolf on a full moon
She soon became the cause of the crap in my life
I almost screwed everything up with my prospective wife

Our relationship became meaningless as hell
She just became a means of time wasted well
I am just glad I realised how shallow she really was
The problem was she wasn’t governed by any laws

So I keep my distance from her now
Every now and then I just drop by to say hello how
There are no hard feelings between us as such
But it’s not like how good it used to be so much

I’m with someone so much better
No need to even write her letters
It’s much simpler with her, no more crap
With her all I do is yap yap yap!

So this is my official apology to you dear
I’m still around but not much you’ll hear
So dear Facebook I’ve moved on now so don’t feel bitter
I’ve found someone else and it is called Twitter!

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

A Mid Life Crisis Too Soon

“Dude I’ll be back a little late”
“Hey mama! You sleep I’ll take time”
Is this what you’ve been saying lately?
Leaving work on time feels like a crime?

If you answered yes to either of the questions
Come join the club, membership’s free
All you need to have is a fucked up job
And jealousy when you see a dog pee on a tree

When you realise that your office boy gets overtime
And you get that look if you try to leave at eight
And if the work seems to be never ending
You should know that it’s time to knock on another gate

When you’re so messed up that you forget even to eat
All calls go unattended and messages remain unread
You come home to a locked and dark house
You just end up cursing a little and fall down on your bed.

When you leave work on time and see daylight outside
You say “Oh my god what is happening why so much light?”
And all you see are trucks on the road or drunken guys
Because the working class is already home sleeping, right?

Some spare change is what you get in return
For the hours you put in to get paid
In fact whores earn much more than us
And you know what, they even get laid

This whole system is skewed
It just doesn’t make any sense
We work as much as the rest of the world
But still OUR month end is always tense

And clients think they’re fucking gods
They should realise they don’t know shit
They might give us orders and all
But I’ll cut off my balls if they can match my wit

And dear bosses, the client might be god for you
But remember, for us he is just an ass
You might bend over backwards for them
But please, I am not a vulnerable nubile lass

I’m the creative person, so let me use my brain
And feedback does not mean “Oh it looks so lame”
I am looking for something constructive, you know
And never get technical; I’ll just put you to shame

 In reality, I work to live and not live to work
I need a life outside and socialise more
I am not saying that it should happen everyday
But don’t push me so much that I walk out the door

Work is not religion, life IS in fact
And to some extent music, movies too
But don’t ever think that I’ll give up living
Just to meet that deadline, you fool

In spite of whatever, money is not everything
There is life that we all need to live
Don’t blame anyone else for your own issues
What you get is what you give

So forget about these first world problems
People are still dying because of no food
Let’s make the best of what we have
And just because of work, let’s not be rude

Don’t know what’s going wrong at work?
The ability to identify them is a boon
First you need to ask yourself
Are you also having a mid-life crisis too soon?