Sunday, 22 July 2012

Did the Dark Knight really rise?

Why do we go watch Batman films? Actually, why do we go watch Christopher Nolan’s Batman films? Simply because it’s Christopher Nolan. He is a master director who betters himself with every film he makes. From Memento to Prestige to the Batman series and of course Inception, there’s always something to look forward to. He does what we can’t even think of. And he does it with class.

To begin with, I do not follow any graphic novel series. I’ve hardly ever read a comic book. But that does not mean I do not watch films based on them. Films, on the other hand, I quite enjoy watching. I can’t really compare the two mediums, or judge whether the movie did justice to the novel, but that gives me objectivity and I see the film for what it is. Obviously one cannot not compare the film to the book it’s based on but then too much comparison often leads to disappointment. Also, do not give me bullshit crap like “Oh man you haven’t read the Batman comics who are you to say anything?” If you do, I will come and rub warm wax all over your back till you say you’re sorry (and if you enjoy it, I will stop rubbing it). Have you ever written a book? Have you ever made a movie? But you still have an opinion on it, right? Same goes for this. I am commenting on the movie. So let me go ahead and do that. PS – Writers and directors please ignore.

I did NOT like The Dark Knight Rises. Yes, you read it right. I did NOT like it. I have never been that big a fan of the Batman films to begin with, but I have thoroughly enjoyed the previous ones to be honest. Especially after watching TDKR I now realise how good The Dark Knight was. Batman Begins was always class, as it had more depth and substance than The Dark Knight. Whereas, The Dark Knight had The Joker. And the feel. And the effects. It had the ‘WOW’ factor. And that is one of the biggest reasons why we go watch a Batman film. Or any superhero film out there. A superhero is not just human. He is much more than that. He is larger than life. And sometimes that superhero is a she too. But that’s beside the point. There was none of the above mentioned things in TDKR.

Let’s start with the acting, well, Batman is not really known for his acting skills. The moment Christian Bale puts on that mask, he forgets how to act and gets throat cancer. We’ve seen that in The Dark Knight too. Gary Oldman was as good as Raza Murad in Mohra. Michael Caine cried like Nirupa Roy. Morgan Freeman looked like a 70 year old black man on crack. Except for that one scene where she was riding the Bat-bike or whatever it is called, Anne Hathaway was below par. Tom Hardy as Bane was some relief as he tried to bring about a balance between good and evil (acting). His being good acting, of course. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was tolerable too. But even his boy-next-door style is getting repetitive and he needs to reinvent himself soon before the audience gets bored. Marion Cotillard looks amazingly beautiful and graceful but her character is as loose as Sunny Leone in Jism 2 (I haven’t seen the film but I am sure she has sex in it).

So as you can clearly see, the acting was pathetic, not saying that I went to watch this film for the acting, but at least it should have been tolerable. We know that nobody can match the Joker for a long time to come but at least they shouldn’t have become worse than what they were. So the acting bit is gone, what else is there? The effects. Which in turn brings out the feel, the ‘WOW’ factor. It was completely missing too. Batman’s udan khatola (flying object) in this one was even lamer than Pierce Brosnan’s car in Die Another Day. He simply became Superman of some sort. There was no Batman, there was just that udan khatola. He kept flying in that bulletproof thingy and kept shooting and doing whatever the hell he wanted. The Bat-bike also lost its charm the moment Catwoman rode it. The effects, the granduer of it all wasn’t up to the mark. We’ve seen better and Christopher Nolan’s done much better in the past. And by effects I do not mean spending money and showing bigger explosions or larger than life sets, but what I mean is that the overall feel of awesomeness wasn’t there.

The whole story and concept that the Batman has gone underground and a new evil power has taken over Gotham city and that Batman needs to come back to save it, was all fine. Pretty awesome in fact. It all seemed to make sense and sounded perfect for a sequel that came out 4 years after the last one. The hype was all there but sadly the film did not live up to the expectations. Not like I was expecting something out of this world but at the very least I wanted to walk out of the theatre with my mouth wide open in amazement. It didn’t happen. Christopher Nolan failed me this time. In the end I am the consumer of the product that he is making. And if I do not like it, I have the full right to say that I didn’t. You may listen or not, that is up to you, but nobody can stop me from expressing how I felt about it. This was disappointing stuff and I just explained why. But this is just my opinion. Yours are bound to differ. And I am open to any arguments or discussions on the same.

Let me also add why I think people are loving this and going crazy and gaga over it and why it’s breaking all records is because of the hype. The common junta just goes with the flow. The previous ones were so great, the trailer for this was good, and it’s natural to expect that this one would be killer too. And when a 100 other people say it’s awesome you tend to believe it is.  It’s like Pixar films. All the critics love, the American families love. Why? Because it’s Pixar. They make good films. They can never go wrong. And each of their films will win the best animation Oscar. Even if it’s crap. Like Up. Or Toy Story 3.

So don’t go with the hype. Go watch it objectively and form your own opinion. Just because a 100 critics and a million people say its good, does not mean it really is. Have some individuality and be brave enough to stand by it. I am not doing this just for kicks, but I actually didn’t like The Dark Knight Rises. I repeat, I did NOT like The Dark Knight Rises. Did you?

Rating? 5/10. Sir Rachit Varma.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Holy Crap

I know I stink at times 
I know I’m not good looking
I know nobody likes me
But I know what’s been cooking

Sometimes I’m hard to digest
Sometimes I’m pretty easy
Sometimes I don’t come at all
But I always make you feel queasy

But why don’t you see baby
That I’m a part of you
You really can’t live without me
Although I’m no who’s who

Two girls really loved me once
But the world couldn’t take it any more
They labelled me as disgusting
And they called my girls a hoe

But in spite of meeting daily
At different times of the day
You’re always so hostile
Like I’m lesbian, bi or gay

I’m nothing of that
But I’m all of it
You know what I am?
I’m just a piece of shit.

Monday, 16 July 2012

Calling All Guwahati Men

Delhi is in dire need of the molesters from Guwahati. The city has been taken over by maniacs and there’s chaos all around. We know Batman ain’t for real and neither is Gadar’s Sunny Deol. And Arnold has apparently moved in with Danny DeVito for the duration of the shooting for Twins-II. I have reason to believe that the Mayans have changed the date of the apocalypse to coincide with the release of this film. What this means is we’re out of superheroes and one man armies who could save Delhi from this doom called Kaanwads!

For the dimwits who don’t know about this creature Kaanwad, it’s a bhakt of Lord Shiva who in the name of religion walks around on roads like he owns them, has slaves in uniforms (read: Delhi Police), bathes where he likes, shits where he wants, and controls the traffic wherever he goes. He wears the fairly popular orange garb which one can instantly relate to Hinduism, most notably to Shiva. These Kaanwads come from lands far far away ranging from MP, UP, Bihar, Jharkhand, Rajasthan, Haryana, Punjab, and sadly many are from Delhi too. A Kaanwad takes the Kaanwad yatra once a year. He heads to the so called ‘holy’ lands of Haridwar and the intense one goes up to Gangotri, the mecca of religious Hindu fanatics in India. This Kaanwad yatra is usually taken on foot, hence the menace on the streets, but some prefer taking the easy route by travelling triple or quadruples on bikes, in groups of 600-800 in a single bus or a well rounded group of a 1000 Kaanwads in an open truck.

And why we need the Guwahati molesters in Delhi is because these Kaanwads need a solid spanking on their butts. With tennis racquets wrapped in barbed wire dipped in a thick paste full of nails. Both these molesters and Kaanwads cannot be cured. It’s a disease that’s spreading by the minute and plaguing our society worse than the Bieber Fever (which is officially the worst ever epidemic since the Great Plague Of London). The only way these Kaanwads can be dealt with is if these Guwahati ‘men’, if I may call them so, come to Delhi and it’s adjoining areas, and start molesting these Kaanwads who’re happily dancing away to glory in the middle of the road at noon when the sun is shining and the rest of India is dying because of the heat. This way the primal instinct of the Guwahati man is satisfied and the Kaanwad is also left happy because his primary motive, after pleasing Lord Shiva, is to create as much ruckus as he can.

It works out pretty nicely for everyone in the end. It’s so very simple, the Guwahati molesters come and rape the shit outta these Kaanwads, the Kaanwads then go back to their homes with those sticks shoved up their arse, and the cops arrest the Guwahati bastards once and for all and we all live happily ever after. Sounds good, eh?

I have nothing against religion or God as such. Well, I might not be all that pro-religion, but the concept of God, I can still live with. Religion is what spoils everything. Religion is what brings differences and boundaries between people. What’s with the concept of ‘One God’ when there are over 20 religions world over? Why can’t there be just one religion, teachings of which are translated to however many languages you want, which simply teaches people to be good and do good. You know world peace and jazz. No more dramas, no more religious practices, no more ceremonies, no more rituals, no more jagrans or chauthas or ramzans or bloody Kaanwad Yatras! Let us be ruled by one power and one power only. And to start with, that one power should go out and destroy all temples, mosques, churches, gurudwaras, masjids, synagogues and Justin Bieber’s house. We don’t need that shit anymore. We have enough crap to deal with in our lives. Why bring religion into it?

Let there be God. And nothing else. And for heaven’s sake, no more Kaanwads please! I want to reach office on time tomorrow.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

One Last Cigarette

As I sail across the ocean
All alone in my boat
Wondering if I had to
Really slit my partner's throat

Its way too dark
There is no moon
The waves are rising
I feel like a loon

Crash! I hit a rock
I know I'm gonna sink
I could call for help
But I just stand there and think

Is it really worth
To go back to that life
I'd rather die a hero
So I pick up the knife

The blood still sticks
I rub it off clean
I stick it to my neck
And red takes over the sheen

The waters reached the deck
As I lie on the floor
In a trance I look above
And realise I could've done more

Its over now
I'm filled with regret
And I couldn't even smoke
One last cigarette!

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

The Woman In My Room

As she walked in through the door
Late at night 'twas four
I felt her presence in my heart
But then I let out a fart

Step by step she came close to me
As I was watching porn and playin' with 'Timmy'
I was feeling strange wondering who was there
I turned around and at the locked door I stared

Must be the booze I thought and lit a cig
Lights went out and I saw someone outside my house dig
It was way too dark I was trying to be brave
But then I looked out and saw my grave

And then I felt her hands around my neck
I tried to break free I yelled out 'feck'
But gradually then I ran outta breath
And realised it was no woman but 'twas my death