An Ode to Old Monk

A winter night in Delhi without a peg or two of our most beloved dark rum is like sleeping naked in snow. Even summers are incomplete for a few without having some Old Monk with chilled water and a lot of ice cubes popped in. But suffering from the myth that rum is supposed to be had in winters only, the real season begins when the air conditioners are switched off in Delhi households. And that time is NOW.

The single malt of rums; is what I personally like to refer to Old Monk as. Talking about whiskey, you’ve got your desi stuff (8 PM, Bagpiper), you’ve got the better desi stuff (RS, RC), then you’ve got the entry level scotch (Teacher’s, etc), obviously the slightly higher level ones (JW, Chivas), and well there’s always the Glens and the single malts of whiskeys. There’s a lot of variety, which is good, but then it also leads to a lot of confusion.

From what I’ve heard, the desi whiskeys that we have here in India are nothing but flavoured/coloured rums. I personally despise anything that’s not scotch. The standard whiskeys here taste weirdly plastic and give you a bad hangover. Scotch, is something I still can’t afford to have on a regular basis, which is fine by me. I have my Old Monk.

Old Monk is as cheap as the entry level whiskey and as smooth as single malt. If you get used to it, there’s nothing like it. It’s safe, it keeps you warm, it helps you deal with your daily frustrations, it’s there when you want to celebrate, it’ll help you get that random chick, it’s not too LS that makes you looks like a chindi neither is it too upmarket to make you look like a snob. It’s just perfect, right where it is. It fits in wherever you are, be it at Jama Masjid while you’re having ‘bade ke kabab’ or at Hyatt for Dum Pukht. Old Monk bridges that divide between rich and poor, classy and desi, Hindu and Muslim, circumcised and Christians, fat and obese, cricket and football, and my left testicle and your right moob.

It can be had with water, it can be had with cola, it can be had with a girl and it can also be had as a shot with the standard salt and lime. It can be had with friends while you’re playing cards at home this Diwali, it can be had with the guy you want to slap who beat you at poker on Diwali the night before, it will be needed while you’re masturbating on the terrace while checking out your neighbour trying out her new sweater and it will be there for you when you’re left beat up by the side of the road in Manali when you’ve had too much to smoke and you just ended up with the wrong bunch of firangis.

I got a little carried away there probably because I’m on my 4^th peg of Old Monk. Winter is coming. I have an excuse to drink legally at home on a daily basis. I need this to keep me warm. It doesn’t look too cool when you balls are the size of a peanut because of the low temperature of Delhi. You need to Monk to keep ‘em balls warm. And ladies, there ain’t a hotter woman than the one who can drink the Monk like and man!

So here’s to Old Monk. The healer, the saint, the fighter, the quaint; the modern, the master, the warden’s party blaster.

Cheers to each and everyone who drinks and enjoys Old Monk. Give me a shout out if you want a free drink. Maya Bar is always open and the Old Monk never runs out. Ahoy mates, this journey has just begun. HIC!

PS – This is not an ode. See, I fooled you. Better go have that peg of Old Monk right away I say. 

Durga Ma Ki Jai

I can feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my toes. Okay, maybe not the toes but I do feel Durga Puja all around me. From Chitaranjan Park to Model Town, Mayur Vihar to Pashchim Vihar, pandals are being set up, boards are being put up, and there's this sense of excitement in the air. This 'pre-buzz' phase of the oncoming festive season is the perfect build-up ever. Period.

There's a change in the air, it's much cooler now. People are falling ill, including me, but not complaining as they all know it's thanks to the change in weather. A change that is good and most welcome by any Delhiite, who, by the time it's October is quite sick and tired of the heat and is really looking forward to the chilly weather that accompanies the 3 months of November, December and January.

Having lived in a Bengali society aptly named 'Anand Lok' as a kid I've had the best times of my life during this very period where Durga Ma and Kali Ma become more important that our actual Ma. The kids, especially, are the ones most looking forward to those 5 days of merriment that ensue from Panchami to Navami (hope I got that right). Starting with Anand Mela, it goes on to 3 days of cultural festivals in which a number of those very kids participate in and make their parents proud other than just having fun themselves. The slightly elder ones have a reason to stay out till late and enjoy beers in parks and whatever terraces they find open. The uncles and aunties get to dress fine and meet up with their peers over scotch and gossip after each gala night of plays, dances and music shows. Durga Puja really does cater to everyone.

Diwali might be a bigger festival for Hindus but the only problem is that Diwali is, at max, a 2 day event. Whereas Durga Puja, including the preparations, feels like it lasts for a month. And that's where Durga Puja takes the cake when it comes to enjoyment. People around you are generally happy. Uncles don't complain when they see you smoke a cigarette. Aunties are more than happy to see a drunk you dancing after the Dhanuchi performance, and the ladies adore the attention they get during Dandiya. The kids, on the other hand, enjoy every little thing about this time. Be it a quiz competition, painting competition, 'lemon-on-spoon race', musical chairs, magic shows and what not, it's as if the kids are in Disneyland for those few days.

Tambola (Bingo) at night is an experience they never forget and chilling at the pandal till midnight gives them a feeling that they've finally grown up. This is the time when kids actually hit puberty and not when they get their first hair down there. All this happens without a hint of religion being forced down on anyone. Apart from the morning and evening aarti, there's hardly anything that would make you feel that anyone's trying to promote their own religious propaganda and promoting anything in the name of God. In fact, a lot of good comes out of it too, like the daily bhog in the afternoon where, in the olden days, people used to actually sit down on tables with the whole colony and eat together. And all the kids would proudly serve everyone before they had a bite themselves. Things might've changed now, with the buffet system and all, but the essence still remains.

Durga Ma is probably the most fun Goddess of all time. The only competition she has is Ganpati, who, again, is a cute looking God who probably loves to have fun. I might not believe in any religion in particular but that does not stop me from enjoying Durga Puja one bit. Also, I'm not a Bengali, and that's the beauty of it, really.

So here's a big shout out to Durga Puja and all the happy times that are about to come. Brace yourselves, Bengali's are going to wake up from their slumber and get in action for this annual event.

Bolo Durga Ma Ki Jai!

PS - All image credit to Surabhi Chowdhury.