Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Scumbag Airtel

“Hello good morning my name is Champu how may I help you today?
“Uh.. Hey hi... So ya my internet is not working...”
“I’m sorry for the inconvenience can I have your full name, landline number, account number, passport number, your wife’s bra size and the size of your penis?”
“Uh yeah so my name’s blah blah number’s blah blah blah...”
“Okay sir what seems to be the problem?”
“My. Internet. Is. Not. Working!!!”
“I’m so sorry for the inconvenience... Can you check those lights...? Is your modem switched on...? Please restart it once... Open this webpage... Let me scratch my balls... Fart... Burp... Okay sir, did it work?”
“No man, still not working...”
“I’m so sorry for the inconvenience but I’ll connect your call to the technical department... Please stay on the line...”
4 long minutes later...
“Hi. This is Paplu. How may I help you...?”
“My internet is not working.”
“I’m sorry for the inconvenience and bullshit like that I am going to say and the whole process will be repeated till you get frustrated and hang up. So you better hang up right now.”

We’ve all been there and done that. We’ve all yelled at those Airtel customer care executives and tried talking in 18 different languages just to get our point across. If you haven’t, you probably have MTNL, BSNL, MantraOnline, Satyam, AOL or else you live in Meerut where there’s still no electricity, forget the Internet. And the situation is same for Airtel mobile subscribers as well. Guys end up spending more money on calls to the helpline than their girls. Even those naughty calls to Dubai late at night cost less than those.

You know if there was a Golden Kela Award for the worst, the most pathetic, the most mind numbingly idiotic customer care, it would go to Airtel, hands down. I’ve heard they’re trained in Afghanistan, only instead of guns, they are trained to attack people simply by opening their mouths. A few key words here and there could actually give a man a heart attack out of frustration. Apparently this guy in Gujarat who had to pay his wife’s phone bill of Rs. 89,745 shot himself after a 15 minute conversation with an Airtel customer care guy. But kudos to the executive who managed to get the payment in full before the poor Gujju could shoot himself in the balls.

Impeccable customer care, an understatement though, is not the only ace up Airtel’s sleeve. When it comes to ‘broadband speeds’ they are even faster than the fastest internet connection at Nasa. Faster at looting us, faster at spreading across India like a virus, faster at strengthening their monopoly even further, faster than nagging wives at frustrating people in India. When the whole wide world is driving a Porsche when it comes to internet speed, we’re still far back behind cruising in our Fiat Padmini Premier. The one with the gear knob at the side of the steering wheel.

But taking some blame away from Airtel is the Indian government, or whosoever is responsible for defining, or rather dictating, the broadband speed at an awesome 256 Kbps. Whoa. Stop right there citizen. You must not cross the speed limit of a blasting 256 Kbps lest you have an accident online. I’m sure these guys believe that if the Internet is fast, then porn sites would load faster and hence guys would ejaculate faster! My oh my why didn’t we think of this. We should actually be thankful to them for curbing the problem of premature ejaculation in India. Bravo, oh kind men.

Oh but wait. Wait wait wait right there. Who said Airtel does not provide ‘high speed’ internet. They’ve got ‘huge packages’ of 1 and 2 Mbps and even 4 Mbps for some lucky ones living in posh colonies. You know, because a good high speed Internet connection is something only the rich deserve. The poor are still not allowed to stream porn videos, they must keep watching thumbnail image porn till they become richer and move to a better place.

Now a 2 Mbps connection sounds really good. You go ahead and take it. But there’s a small catch, a tiny detail which isn’t all that important but, you know, maybe you should know that it comes with a 10 GB download limit to start with. After that you’re back in medieval times with a 256 Kbps speed where you can go and make coffee and have a toast and watch Airtel’s Har Ek Friend Zaroori Hota Hai crap on TV before Google displays its search result. Of course you can get a 100 GB limit, but then you can buy a bike by spending lesser money each month. And a 10 GB limit is like a dad saying to his kid “Look son, you’ve been a good child, you get good scores, you listen to your momma, you don’t fart in public and you don’t molest your little sister. So here’s the key to my Porsche, go out and take it for a spin, go for a long drive, take on the highway and show it to them who the boss is. But hey, after you’re done with the first 10 Kms, you can’t go above 40 Kmph. Now go my child, GODSPEED!”

I mean come on guys. Who the hell are you fooling? I know we’re a bunch of dumb people living in a country run by even dumber people, but hey, when it comes to Internet, we’re a little sensitive. A man must watch his porn at good speeds all month long and not just for the first 3 days. There’s only so much he can imagine about his maid, neighbour, teacher, cousin, dog, Shilpa Shetty, Richard Gere, a pregnant Aishwarya Rai, or whosoever lights his fire at night. Airtel’s ‘Fair Usage Policy’ (FUP) is more like a ‘Fuck User Policy’. Word.


Oh wait, before I wrap up, I recently heard they’re increasing the prices by 100 bucks. Yay! That is exactly what we wanted. An increase in rental instead of speed. Great. That made my night.

Dear Airtel,
Up yours. You’re a scumbag company.
A loyal customer. 


  1. Hahahaha what A blog!

    Me likey the writing! And such intense hate.

    Sadly as I type this the third time as my Airtel connection went kaput the first two times, I just pray that my page doesn't refresh or show "No Internet Connection"! Airtel ki Ma ki....

    1. hahahahaha sahi mein Airtel ki ma ki... you have even more reasons to hate them hehe! :P

  2. Namaste Mr. Varma,

    This is to inform you that your concern listed 28 Nov 2012 has been noted and our team is eager to resolve it. In order to get to the resolution, we need to get in touch with you and gather more details about the concern. However, we are restricted by the absence of your contact details in your original complaint. Please share the required details with us at
    We assure you that we are committed to resolving the issue to your satisfaction


    airtel Presence (airtel Customer Service Team)
    bharti airtel limited

    Connect with us 24X7 and we will be happy to assist you with a swift resolution to your queries on all our products and services

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    1. There's not much you can do. You won't change your company policies for me, right?

  3. I have recently bought an airtel 3G dongle and I have been harrased to the extreme point with pathetic speeds. At times it stops downloading and automatically disconnets thereafter refusing to connects for hours and sometimes even for a while day !!
    Customer Care number: 1800 103 0405 is a bogus number. It doesn't work and after select options 1 (for airtel 3 dongle support), 2 (for english), 1 (for postpaid) it just disconnects.
    I am fed up and with the services and will be taking appropriate action in a few days. Also it has billed me for 5000 + INR when my credit limit itself is lower than 2500 INR. and i find no justification to the billed amount!
    Please, i urge all consumers not to subscribe to airtel 3G services!
    I have even filed a complaint against them on their site as well as at Consumer Court site but so far no action has been taken on this case.