Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Self Before Service

When a guy like Pankaj Kapoor, who plays intense characters which could intimidate even your dead granddad, stars in a comedy show like Office Office, you know that behind his funny character lies a maniacal killer who goes around hunting government officers at night by just rubbing his rough cheeks against the victims’ bodies till they bled to death.

But on a serious note, that show wasn’t too far away from the reality, now, was it? We’ve all been there and begged that. I know you’re lying if you say you’ve never sweet talked a cop, who caught you jumping the signal, into letting you go by shoving just that 20 rupee note you had left with you. That same 20 rupee note that you’d taken from home, after which you sat on your bike, in just your boxers and a t shirt, to go to the paan shop, because you wanted to buy cigarettes, only because you’re unable to take a dump without a smoke! Everybody knows that you can’t sit in the loo without a cigarette in one hand and Bombay Times in the other while your organ dangles in danger and you experience the sweet pleasure of an orgasmic shit.

But wait! This blog is about the government. About government officers particularly. How and why did I drift towards SHIT? I mean, come on, there can be no possible connection between the government and CRAP? Or can there be? We must put our best scientists at work and figure out what is going on! After they’re done taking a crap, that is. On the public, I mean.

You know what I’ve noticed about us Indians? I mean, I can only talk about us Indians and not Americans or British or Tunisians or North East Indians because I’ve never really interacted with their species other than accidentally bumping into them while they click poor little kids trying to take a dump without being seen. We, Indians, tend to give more respect to these government officers than our parents or teachers or siblings or elders or all of them combined into one entity called Bauji from DDLJ. And I am not counting God because I don’t want to crack a joke about God as I know God will open his third eye and a laser will come down on Earth and burn the hair on every human’s head and everyone will die of Sunburn. Guess we should ban that overly commercial annual trance gig in Goa, right?

Anyway, these statements below seem familiar right?

“Sir I am a student sir please consider it once sir please.”
“Madam zara ek baar dekh to lo yeh kya likha hai.”
“Sir please pass kara do yeh document.”
“Sirji kuch dekh lo please kuch ho sakta hai to sir please chaar din se aa raha hu kuch khaya nahi main nahaya nahi in fact haga bhi nahi hu chaar din se sir please bas ek baar yeh kaam kara do main aapki moorti banwa ke roz pooja karunga ghar pe aapke naam ka mandir banwa dunga.”

Now, frankly my dear, had you been this polite with your parents I’m pretty sure they would’ve bought you a sports bike, a mid segment sedan, a trip to Vegas, a boob job, a moob job if that’s your thing, a Chihuahua in a pink purse, and a shirt made of pure 24 carat gold. They would’ve even helped you take a piss on your principal’s doorstep and a dump on their car. And what the heck is it with me and my obsession with dumps? Guess I should go and take one.

Now that I’m back after an overwhelming dump that I took on people I didn’t like, I don’t understand why these government officers think they can do the same on innocent citizens of India who’re practically helpless on their own and dependent on these shit taking morons who run the country? Be it the cop who catches you on the road or the passport officer who has to approve of your documents; the cops who come over to your place for verification or the driving instructor who needs to pass you in the driving test. They all take a dump so big that, even if you wanted to, you won’t be able to maintain your balance and slip down on your knees and say “Sir please! Mujhe is tatti se nikaalo. Main aapka aabhari rahunga.”

But remember, till we’re run by the morons who’re in power, not all of them mind you, we’ll stay in shit. Have a great night and may God bless you and me with a satisfying dump in the morning.

Jai Shit Hind.