Kai Po Che was a hugely depressing movie for me. Not that
the film was depressing as such, other than the fact that it brought to screen
yet another mediocre Chetan Bhagat novel, but because, you know, it made me
feel fat. It made me feel fatter than Adnan Sami must’ve ever felt in his
heydays. When he didn’t have any girl issues I guess. Anybody else notice how
he lost all his weight as soon as his wife started giving him trouble? Ahh,
women you see.
Har kamzor aadmi ke
peechhe ek pehelwan ladki ka haath hota hai. You know, not in his anus, but
morally speaking.
Back to the point where I was feeling as fat as a Sumo
wrestler. And an obese one at that. Obese even among Sumo wrestlers. Even other
Sumo wrestlers would ask me to lose weight. THAT FAT, YES. I’ll tell you all
about it. I’ll tell you how.
First I want to know. How many of you actually have a 6 pack
hidden inside that t-shirt, shirt, top, bra, baniyan or whatever it is that you’re wearing right now? There
might be a few of you out there actually flaunting those biscuits (those abs do
look like biscuits, right?). Well, I got biscuits of my own, and they’re in my
kitchen thank you. I don’t like to carry them around hidden inside my shirt,
okay?
Anyway, my only question to the world is this; how the hell
does a gaonwala kid from a tier 3
town in Gujarat, where they don’t even sell alcohol so why do they need a gym
in the first place, has perfectly oiled and chiselled 6-pack abs along with perfect
biceps, triceps, quadriceps (dayum, this term actually exists)? Add to that a
perfect jawline, great hair, an ass almost as cute as Brad Pitt’s, and probably
a penis bigger than Tommy Lee’s. And to top it off, there were 2 suck specimen
in the movie. Can you believe that? There were 2 Greek Gods in 1 movie. Not
since Troy came out has the cinematic world experienced such madness. Although
the second one’s face did look a little retarded. But hey, he had his body to
compensate for the idiotic expression God gave him on his face.
But in what world does this happen? Boss, sorry, not in
mine. Not saying there are only mooby men with beer bellies and long underarm
hair in my world. There are those too. Probably comprising the majority. Sadly,
including me too. But then I also know boys, not the little ones who I DON’T
TOUCH, but the ones who’re a little more disciplined in life than average joes
like me, or are simply from an Army background with strict fathers who’ d
insert their walking sticks in their kid’s behind if he didn’t run 2 marathons
on a daily basis. India hai boss, idhar
sab chalta hai. But in spite of spending half their lives running or
swimming or masturbating, most of these guys don’t have that perfect body like
it’s just been carved out by Michelangelo or Da Vinci or Bahadur or whoever the
heck was that famous sculptor.
Being fit and being Godly; there used to be a difference. But
oh my dear Bollywood, thanks for making us fit people feel like ugly obese men
in front of your ‘boy-next-door’ dudes walking around topless with an 8-pack
each. Thanks, but no thanks.
What started off as a trend way back in the 60’s when Salman
Khan took off his shirt in Oh Oh Jaane Jaana, my father still loves that
evergreen love story by the way, is now a trend no more. It’s a norm. From the
golden oldies of yesteryear like Salman, Shahrukh, Aamir, Ajay, and even the
once girly Saif; to the kids of today who were probably born with a 6-pack like
Shahid Gapoor, Ranbir Kapoor, Emraan Hashmi, Sonakshi Sinha, Ranveer Singh, and
blah and blah and blah. Name an actor today, and I shit you not that guy will
have a 6-pack.
Desi actors: Stealing
the attention away from beer, since 1995.
Now reality as per Bollywood is having the perfect body.
Gone are the days of Guddi Maruti. Not like I had the hots for her and wanted
to do her and bang that Maruti real hard, but just saying, you know. Sadly,
reality is imitating art now. I know how many of you now go to the gym to seek
that perfect body like Hrithik and somehow grow that extra thumb and that extra
ball that he has. I know everything.
So here’s hoping we all get that 6-pack we be dreaming of,
girls and boys alike. So that we’re all equally ugly. I need to head out. Need
to go register for the gym. I’ll be back. With a 6-pack all over my body. My
abs, my face, my arms, my legs, heck, I’ll ensure even my penis has a tiny
little 6-pack of its own. Cheers!