And You Said It Could’ve Been Worse

The other day I was walking down the street with my dog when I suddenly saw a beautiful girl coming towards me. As she came closer I got a little nervous. She made eye contact with my dog, smiled a little, and looked at me as she halted to a stop just a foot away from me. I suddenly jolted and tried to believe that it was not a dream.

“Awwwwlelelel cho chweet... Kinna cute hai...” Said this typical Delhi girl.

“Ahh, thanks lady. And what about my dog, he’s cute too, right?” I tried to sound cool.

She slapped me and walked away.

And you said it could’ve been worse.

It took a couple of minutes for me to regain my consciousness and I continued my walk with the dog. As I neared my building, and with that the end of my walk, I saw this another hot woman come out of the lift with a Dalmatian of her own. I had a Dachshund with me, who, quite honestly, felt a little dwarfed in front of the spotted beast that this mysterious new woman had. But this time around the woman simply walked past me. And her dog ignored mine. This was something that had never happened before.

I had used my dog to score chicks so many times. I’ve had girls of all ages and size come up to me and bend down right then and there begging me to tell them “Who’s yo doggy!? WHO’S YO DAUGY!?” I’d give it to them and they loved every moment of it. I’d then walk away with my dog all proud and satisfied.

This time it was a little different. I was dazed by this experience and simply walked inside the lift feeling a little lost. I tried to remember which floor I had to go to and randomly pressed 3. Still trying to figure out what had just happened I suddenly came back to life when I noticed, while the lift door was closing, I was still clutching on my dog’s leash but Tommy* was nowhere to be seen. HECK.

And you said it could’ve been worse.

Before I could reach for the ‘>|<’ Door Open button, it was too late. The lift had already started its ‘lift’ and my dog was still on the other side. I quickly let go of the leash and hoped that it’d automatically slip out from between the doors of the lift. And thankfully it did. I reached the 3^rd floor and dashed out of the lift and took the stairs to go back down. It took me less than 13 seconds to reach the ground floor but Tommy was nowhere to be seen.

I started running helter skelter yelling out his name on the streets. I ran into the girl who’d slapped me earlier and pantingly said “HAVE YOU SEEN MY TOMMY?” She slapped me again and this time she didn’t stop. She punched me in the stomach and her final blow, her knee to my crotch, was enough for a KO.

Kisne kaha mard ko dard nahi. Do tango ke beech mein maaro. Dard nahi to mard nahi.

I blacked out for a moment as I saw her walking away still looking at me. I could see the stars, looking how they shone for me, and the birds flying around my head too. Her last words were... “ZIP UP ASSHOLE!” And then I noticed that my fly was open. My goddamn fly was open when I ran up to her and yelled at her asking “HAVE YOU SEEN MY TOMMY?” I deserved that kick.

And you said it could’ve been worse.

I limped towards the nearest footpath and just lied down on the floor. I’d almost given up and was about to pass out when I saw a hint of what looked like Tommy running towards me in slow motion. Before he even reached where I was, I’d almost passed out. In my last waking moments I felt a stream of warm liquid around my crotch. It felt both cosy and icky at the same time. As the strong aroma of the said warm liquid entered my nostrils, I realised, it was pee. Dog pee.

And you said it could’ve been worse.

Moral of the story: It can always get worse fellas. Gotta always be ready.

*Har kutte ka naam Tommy nahi hota. Isliye mere kutte ka naam Tommy hai. Booyeah!