Thursday, 1 August 2013

Do you like it in your mouth?

I do not like to insert a phallic shaped object inside my mouth before I sleep. I don’t like to do it even in the morning. Especially the ones that leave a white residue all around my mouth. I don’t like to spit. I don’t like to brush my teeth. I don’t like giving blowjobs either. Not that I’ve tried it, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like it. Just like I know I wouldn’t like eating tinda, tori, karela, baingan.

Why on Earth are we the only Godforsaken creatures who need to brush their teeth? Why can’t we be more like other wild animals who can do without this idiotic time waste of an act called brushing and instead have sex in the open? Why can’t even we have a self cleaning mechanism for our teeth and pubic areas? WHY WHY WHY? Mere sawalon ka... Jawab do... Drona.

No, Drona can’t answer that, neither can you. It’s probably all our fault. I am sure the Early Man never brushed his teeth. It’s not like he didn’t have keetanoo in his teeth. But he didn’t feel the need to insert a hairy stick inside his mouth with a salty chemical covering it and thrust it like he was blowing another of his Early Men.

It must have been some idiot who just liked sucking on sticks who invented the concept of brushing. I can’t believe for one second that it was started because of any sort of a ‘need’.
The guys must’ve been like:

Early Man 1: “Hey fellow Early Man, have you tried to rub this dead lion’s tail in your mouth?”
Early Man 2: “No I haven’t. Sounds absurd but let me try.”
Early Man 1: “You’re going to love this. Wait, here, take some of my phlegm for some lubrication.”
Early Man 2: “Haha man this is fun and ticklish.”
Early Man 1: “I know right.”
Early Man 2: “But people are not going to buy this.”
Early Man 1: “Exactly. That’s why I am going to tell them that it is necessary to stay alive. Without this God will cover all our women with hair as much as ours.”
Early Man 2: “Boy you’re a genius. Is that your penis?”

Brushing is a complete waste of time. Colgate karna samay ki barbaadi hai. Forget twice a day, I don’t even feel like brushing my teeth once a day. I simply can’t stand the idea of standing in front of the mirror and just repeatedly inserting a brush with a gooey topping and then washing it all away. And what the hell is up with people who can do it anywhere they feel like? It’s like they’re drinking coffee. They’ll keep brushing and walking and they’ll even manage to read the complete newspaper, water the plants in the garden, jog for 6 kms and all this while they’ll have the brush inside their mouth. They’ll happily come back and rinse it all off. Like nothing happened. HOW DO YOU MANAGE THAT?

I brush only when I bathe. I stand under the shower and brush precisely before I apply face wash so that the cold tingly feeling around my mouth caused by the paste goes away. It’s easier to just collect water through the drops from the shower and spit it out in anger right on the tiles in front of you. Yeah. That’s how I roll. If I don’t bathe on a particular day, which may happen every now and then especially during the winter season in Delhi, I brush my teeth when I have to step out. If I don’t step out, I usually don’t brush my teeth. And who in this world said that you need to brush your teeth before breakfast? Why spoil the taste of yummy eggs because of the stupid paste? Isn’t it better to first eat happily and then brush away the remnants of the yolk by brushing?


These questions may never be answered and I may never see a day when we somehow figure out a way to avoid this evil task of brushing. But I do hope and pray for the generations to come that they figure out a solution and make their own lives easier and happier. And the day I become a millionaire, I will put all my money into researching for a way to avoid this daunting task. Till then, let me sulk every morning and brush the crap out of my teeth. I’m pretty sure the reason why we’re all crappy in the morning is because of brushing. Do you agree or not? TELL ME!

I brush exactly like this.