Monday, 28 October 2013

Celebrities You Just Can’t Have Sex With

Men can hump almost anything that moves and, at times, even hump non-living things like the Fleshlight. I would like to believe that the average woman is as pumped up about sex as the average man. No wonder even the ‘averagest’ of man out there has a woman with him so does the ‘averagest’ of dildo/vibrator. But there are certain things that we can’t have sex with, like, a rock, for example. The Rock is a different game altogether. Then there are certain people that we can’t ‘do’. No matter how ‘hard’ you try, it just wouldn’t happen. It is impossible to even fantasise about having sex with such people. Here are a few of them:

Preity Zinta: Poor soul. She is not at fault that God made her this way. No matter what she does, she can never be hot. We’ve seen her in bikinis, in skirts, in dresses and what not. But never once a male penis has felt excited by looking at her. She’ll always be cute, ugly and just about tolerable.

Kanye West: He is gay fish. He walks into poles. He hits harmless people. He sings. He is with Kim Kardashian. Only consolation, he is black, he must be big. But at what cost will you get a taste of that footlong? Not worth it, ladies.

Shahid Kapoor: Nobody wants an idiot who jumps up in the middle of an intimate session and starts jumping around like a monkey and scratching his underarms singing ‘Tu mere agal bagal hai’ and then go drink milk from his father Pankaj Kapoor’s nipples. No can do.

Miley Cyrus: She will cut off one of your balls and tie you to the fan with your penis and climb on to you and swing to and fro singing wrecking ball. No man can deal with the pain.

Om Puri: His skin is a UN heritage site as its texture resembles that of the land on the moon. One is not even allowed to touch him lest you fall inside one of the craters present on his face. This is an expedition you can’t take.

Paris Hilton: Do you really want to give complex to a woman whose boobs are smaller than your moobs? She will bite your penis off I am telling you. Beware.

Anil Kapoor: There are some jungles which should be left untouched. Legend is that the Yeti still lives in those jungles, the Bigfoot chills with the Yeti and there are unicorns that get raped by the Kthulu. One must not enter this jungle. One must not disturb the balance. One must leave Anil Kapoor’s chest hair alone.

Judi Dench: She is a frail old woman. Come on, this is an obvious one. How can you even think about having sex with her? Tch tch.

Sonam Kapoor: She is such a bad actress that she won’t be able to even fake an orgasm. Imagine having sex with a dead body, yeah, this will be even worse. Can you deal with that?

Osama Bin Laden: Hardly a celebrity. Buried deep inside the ocean. It’s practically impossible to have sex with him. Unless you’re Aquaman. Are you Aquaman? 

Friday, 25 October 2013

The End Of The World Of Absurd Arguments

There are some arguments that we get into that never get over. Then there are some arguments that end up in fights. There are also those arguments that lead to relationships breaking up. Why not bring an end to such ridiculous arguments and never again waste our time over a discussion that is completely fruitless?

Here are some of them:

To do God or not to do God?
This is the evergreen argument between believers and, well, believers. We all believe in something. Be it God, elephants, spinach, cycles, music, or ourselves. But we don’t go about challenging people on any of these random beliefs other than the sensitive issue of God or religion. We’re not going to get anything out of it. The religious fanatics do not understand logic. And the atheists will never believe in the power of a prayer! Let’s end it at that. Let some do God and let the others get done by God. Get it? No? Don’t argue.

Shahi Paneer vs Butter Chicken
“Oh my God how can you kill animals and eat them? Just how do you do it you filthy animal?” vs “Oh so how was the Shahi Paneer and Dal Makhni the other day? And the day before that? And the day before that? That’s all you can eat, right?”
I like to go to a jungle and strangle a pig and take its intestines out, wear it around my neck, roast the pig on fire and eat it with its dry blood smeared on my hands and mouth. You like to go to a jungle and find a cow and feel up its titties till it secretes milk, drink the milk and eat some grass and chill with the cow. If the pig and the cow can live together, why can’t you and I do the same?

Men are from bras women are from penis
All men are pigs. All women are bitches. Men can’t do without them bitches. Women can’t live without the swines. Why the hell don’t we all just stop dissing each other and have consensual sex and be happy?

Balls balls everywhere, not a ball to kick
You find cricket too slow? Don’t watch. You think there are too few goals scored in a football match? Don’t watch. Your parents are planning to have another kid and are having sex? Don’t watch.

Zindagi ke nashe
Don’t justify if you smoke by saying “Oh man one day everyone has to die!” and don’t tell a smoker “Oh dude don’t smoke why are you killing yourself?” Drinking is another thing. Drinking is cool. I like drinking. And if you don’t drink... Chill, I’m not going to kill you. It’s okay. I understand your loss. I’m sorry.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

My Childhood Dream

When I was a kid, all my friends wanted to become pilots, doctors, cops, etc when they grew up. I was a little different back then. I wanted to be a balloon seller. Yes, I wanted to become a ‘gubbarey wala’.

This blog post is based on true events. Continue at your own risk.

The story begins from my play school days. I don’t remember much but I sure remember crying on the first day I had to go there because I was feeling sad I had to leave home. What if I didn’t come back? For the record, that was just the beginning, I hated going to school till I passed out of the 12th standard and I used to secretly cry every morning in the school toilet. The only thing I learned at Pink N Blue, my play school, was how to fold my arms. I’ll always be thankful for that. Why? It’s because now I can pose like an interested intellectual during a crappy conversation I have with anyone and everyone. Just fold your arms, squint your eyes and people think you’re Obama!  

The other vivid memory I have is of the fancy dress competition I took part in while my time at Pink N Blue. There were kids in Superman costumes, doctor costumes, girls wearing a fairy dress with a magic wand, and the works. I had the opportunity to be whatever I ever wanted to be albeit for a few hours only. It’s said that a human is most creative and imaginative when he/she is a kid. I grabbed this chance and became a character nobody ever wanted to be, be it in a fancy dress competition or in real life. I became a balloon seller. I became a gubbarey wala.

I wore a dirty set of Kurta Pyajama, wore the regular Hawaii Chappals and tied some balloons on a Danda and I was done. I lived my dream. I became what I wanted to be. I went on to the stage and recited my lines nervously. “Gubbaarey le lo... Gubbaarey le lo... Laal wala le lo... Peela wala le lo...” I was so innocent back then. And believe you me, I was so good at it that I won the 3rd prize as well. I don't think I had ever been happier. It’s an achievement I have still not been able to match. To actually win a fancy dress competition by becoming a balloon seller, who does that shit?

That was not all. A few years down the line, I grew up, saw the world, met more people and had a little more sense in my head. It was a friend’s 6th birthday party. I was probably 7 years old. It had been about 3-4 years since that 3rd prize win at the Pink N Blue fancy dress competition. I had seen plenty of cartoons, read many comics, played a lot of games, and experienced life a lot more by then. My horizons had broadened. But the moment I found out that there was a fancy dress competition organised at that birthday party, I went into a flashback. I forgot about everything else and dug up my old Danda. I tied some balloons on it. I wore my white set of Kurta Pyajama. And I walked out of the house like a man on a mission. I was proud of that avatar. I had never been as confident about anything else till that point in my life. This time, I wanted to win the first prize.

I reached the party all excited. I was anxiously waiting for the fancy dress competition to begin so that I could show my uber cool costume off. After a few round of snacks and cake cutting, the action began. I was third in line to present myself on the stage. As I walked, with the danda and balloons in my hand, about to recite my lines, this girl started laughing. I was a little taken aback. I was surprised. The other kids joined in on the laughter and I started fumbling with my lines... “Gobre le... Lo... Laal le lo... Gobre... Le... Lo.....” And I walked away with my head hanging in shame to the other room and cried a little. I changed into my regular clothes and grew up. I came out a changed man. And I also put cake in that girl’s cold drink and forced her to drink it. I hear she is suffering from diabetes today. Heh.

Now I don’t want to be a balloon seller. But I did, once upon a time, want to be a Gubbarey Wala. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

I could've been this old man. I could've.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

All Bad Things Must Come To An End – Goodbye Breaking Bad

I died a little inside after watching Breaking Bad end. No show has ever affected me to the extent that I’d be in an emotional hangover even 12 hours after I watched its final episode. I don’t think any show will match up to the class Breaking Bad maintained any time in the near future. This show was a masterpiece and will be forever etched in the minds of all its fans. It’s given us all memories to last a lifetime.

Conceptually interesting to capture anyone’s attention to at least give it a shot, Breaking Bad had its viewers’ attention from the first episode itself. The most interesting bit for me was probably how they showed a ‘nobody’ diagnosed with cancer trying to finally do something BIG in life. There was no bucket list. There was only a desire to ‘live’ life as much as one could before dying. The journey began from there and it was the best one I’ve ever taken.

Masterful acting by all its characters, even if we hated a couple of them for personal reasons, was really the crux of the show. Of course a brilliant script helped them churn out some great dialogues on screen and credit must be given to the writers of the show as well. The details in each scene, in each episode, was just mind-boggling. There wasn’t much music in the show to be honest, or maybe I just didn’t notice it, but whenever there was a song or two, it really was unforgettable. The theme, although, was eerie and amazing. The locales were grey and colourless, much like the main characters of show. It’s hard to tell between right and wrong in this show. At times you root for the guy who is right but then you sympathise with the one who is doing wrong.

The show leaves you wondering whether doing the wrong things for the right reasons is acceptable or not. Is it?

I’d like to thank the creators for not stretching this show just because it was successful. Its length was perfect and I’m lucky to have experienced it at the time of its inception. Other shows, in particular Dexter, must take learning from Breaking Bad as to how a show must pan out and end on time. It’s of utmost importance to maintain the legacy of a show, which Dexter created beautifully but couldn’t sustain, so that people watch it for genuine interest and not just so that they could see how it ends because they had liked it once. Case in point: How I Met Your Mother. It took them eons to find the mother. I still watch it but only because I have spent years watching it and I wouldn’t want that to go to waste.

It’s been an emotional few weeks which led up to the final episodes of this show. Breaking Bad will definitely go down in history as one of the best shows ever made. The ones who haven’t seen it might not be able to relate with the obsession but, trust me, it’s been crazy. The way this show has affected its following is nothing less than remarkable. Game Of Thrones fans might be able to relate to what I am saying, although I am not a GoT fan at all.

I’ll surely miss watching Walter White, Heisenberg, Jesse Pinkman, Saul Goodman, Hank Schrader and the rest of the team every Monday. I’ll look forward to a show in the future, which is as engrossing as Breaking Bad was, so that I get my fix again. Till then, let me rile in the after effects of a masterpiece of a show and continue talking about it to fans around me in the coming days.

Thank you Vince Gilligan, Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul, Dean Norris, Bob Odenkirk and every other actor and crew member responsible for making Breaking Bad so good. Thank you for the amazing journey. I, like a lot of others, shall sorely miss you. Thank you for being so perfect. Cheers! :’)

All bad things must come to an end. But the bad was so good. Why did it have to come to an end? :’(