14 Ways To Apologise

There are plenty of ways in which we apologise after knowingly or unknowingly hurting someone, screwing up, spilling coffee, or Tweeting shit. Some take the orthodox route but some really show their creativity in doing so. Here are 13 different ways in which people can apologise:

1. Sacrifice a Horse: In ancient culture, this was a pretty common practice. Nowadays, a little less common, but still very effective. I don’t think any man would be pissed off at his woman if she hunts a horse and presents its head to her man.
   
   
2. Do the Chicken Dance: Nobody looks more idiotic than a person doing the chicken dance. It is the ultimate public torture which has no equals whatsoever. Give up and agree to do the dance to wash away all your sins.
   
   
3. Comb Anil Kapoor's Hair: It is known to have killed many a men. Plenty women have disappeared, too. Scores are required each morning to comb Anil Kapoor’s body hair as he walks out of the bath. Only the bravest take up this challenge. Do it and you shall be forgiven.
   
   
4. Walk Like an Egyptian: This popular song celebrates the ancient Egyptian torture of walking like an Egyptian. Although, no known Egyptian is known to have ever walked like this out of will. Three rounds of walking like an Egyptian in your colony in full public view is what your friends need when they catch you stealing their money.
   
   
5. Dress Like Govinda: He has embarrassed himself, his family and his colleagues from the Indian Film Industry all his life. It’s time to embarrass yourself if you have wronged someone. Dress like him and show the world that you suffer too.
   
   
6. Don't Pee/Shit for a Day: No human is capable enough of holding one’s own pee or shit inside his/her body for so long. Either dirty your pants, or don’t go to the loo at all for a day. Either way, repent for your wrongdoings!
   
   
7. Sleep with Rakhi Sawant: It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, if you can survive a night with Rakhi Sawant, you will be forgiven for even the gravest of crimes!
   
   
8. Eat Vegetarian Food: Tinda. Tori. Kaddu. Karela. Baingan. Lauki. Gheeya. Tori. Kaddu. Karela. Eat all this. Cry.
   
   
9. Say You’re Sorry and Mean It: The most difficult out of the lot. Most people don’t take this route for obvious reasons. But if you do get the courage to do so, I’d say, go ahead with it, it’s the best way to ask for forgiveness, and the result is always positive. Try it.
   
10. Sleep with Laloo Prasad Yadav: Just imagine doing it. Just imagine. That should be enough. Just imagine nibbling on his ear. Oh the flow of his hair growing from inside his ears. If you can imagine this and not puke, you’re not all bad.
    
    
11. Act with Sonam Kapoor: She could’ve played the role of dead Satish Shah in Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro beautifully. Now try and spend 3 hours on the big screen in front of a candle. Talk to the candle. Kiss the candle. Make love to the candle. People WILL pity you.
    
    
12. Take a dip in the Holy Ganges: There’s muck and shit and piss and puke all over, around and in it. There are dead bodies and ashes to give your company. How about men and women and children bathing and washing clothes? After all this is done, take a dip in the water. Oh now I understand why you’re washed away off all your sins. Hmmm.
    
    
13. Be Kamaal R Khan: You’re a guy with no life, no friends, no work, no job, no girls, no skills, no talent, no looks, no creativity, no class, no respect, no standing, no popularity. You’re Kamaal R Khan. You’re forgiven.
    
    
14. Watch an Imtiaz Ali film starring Shahid Kapoor: This is my personal favourite. If I have sinned, if I need to punish myself, I will watch an Imtiaz Ali film. If I have to make it worse for me, I will watch an Imtiaz Ali film starring Shahid Kapoor. Forgive me please?
    

23 Reasons Why It Sucks Working For A Big Company

Working for a big company, or an MNC, has its perks. It also has a downside. I personally don’t prefer such establishments so much. Let me elaborate why. Here are 23 reasons why it sucks working for a big company:

1. Timings – Strangely, it’s a problem if you arrive even a minute late, but it’s no problem when you spend 8 hours extra or leave at 4 in the morning.
   
2. Holidays – Are we back in school that we write letters and get approvals for leaves? And only an idiot could’ve made the rule that adds Saturday and Sunday as holidays too if you take a leave on Friday and Monday.
   
3. Dress Code – I want to be comfortable when I work. I want to wear shorts. I want to take off my slippers. But I can’t do that because I’m not wearing any shorts and my slippers are at home. It’s tough to take off a suit, and frankly, too much effort.
   
4. Hierarchy – Again, are we back in school that we have to refer to our seniors as Sir and Madam like we used to call out our teachers?
   
   
5. Politics – A wise politician was once asked why did he leave his comfortable MNC job and he said this “There was too much politics going on there…”
   
   
6. Policies – Companies have more policies than the nation of India. Be it regarding leaves, late coming, dress codes, internet, etc. There are just way too many of it, more than half of which are usually not followed.
   
   
7. Rules – Don’t eat at your desk. Don’t click pictures. Don’t make noise. Because this is a concentration camp.
   
   
8. Taxes – The bigger the company the bigger the amount of tax that’ll be cut from your salary. PF would be compulsory, gratuity will mature only after 5 years and taxation overall will be a bitch.
   
   
9. The Corporate Feel – It sucks. Plain and simple. I don’t want to head into a block of concrete and work as a suit wearing slave.
   
   
10. Meetings – The favourite pastime of senior management. A meeting for anything and everything. A junior took a dump twice in the same day? Let’s hold a 4 hour long meeting.
    
    
11. Processes – What’s with all the paperwork and processes, man? I know it’s a required when the size of a company grows but it’s such a pain in the ass and what a royal waste of everyone’s time.
    
    
12. Restrictions – You can’t browse the Internet. You can’t log on to Facebook or Twitter. GOD! As if I don’t have a smartphone with me and I can’t do these things otherwise! Also, you can't smoke lest you start a fire!
    
    
13. Locations – Have you noticed how these new and upcoming places are all outside the city? Be it Gurgaon, ITPL, Hinjewadi, Navi Mumbai; it’s all lifeless.
    
    
14. Culture – What culture? You can’t overshadow the hours of slavery we all put in by making a stupid Rangoli!
    
    
15. Intolerance – These places are so strict that even if you crack a sexist joke, they’ll probably fire you. It’s a joke for heaven’s sake.
    
    
16. Comfort Zones – What’s up with these? I know it sounds good that you got bean bags and beds. But we all know what it’s actually for. You want us to work day AND night. Wait. I should get my bags and move into the office.
    
    
17. Non-Existence – In a pool of 1500 people, nobody knows your name.
    
    
18. Morning Rituals – The worst part of the day is in the morning when you feel like a labour when you swipe/punch your card to let the machines know you have arrived.
    
    
19. HR – A job that can be done by monkeys. Plain and simple.
    
    
20. Creativity Killer – Restriction is the key. Do you job and nothing else. That’s the mantra. Creativity is for junkies.
    
    
21. Foreign Influence – When foreigners come and take a dig and tell you how amazing you guys are. We are just doing double the work in half the time for half the money. What do they understand?
    
    
22. Skill Murderer – Time to make the learning curve go down.
    
    
23. Humanity – Thanks to all the politics and the cut-throat competition, you forget you are human.
    
    

A Ban On Dry Days

After a manic Monday and a tiring Tuesday you get a break on a Wednesday. It’s a midweek off. You just want to kick back and relax at home. Or maybe you want to head out and grab a peaceful drink on a sunny autumn afternoon. You deliberately don’t want to drink at night because you have work on Thursday, you’re a responsible employee.

You wake up at 12 and get ready to head out. Be it your local ‘theka’ aka ‘Wine and Beer Shop’ or your neighbourhood pub; you find both the establishments shut. Why? It’s Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi’s birthday. You Bapu allows you to drink beer but this time ‘round some other Bapu is forcing you not to. It’s not because of the Mahatma’s philosophy or beliefs; it’s just a petty way through which the Indian Government can feel strong and in control.

On exactly those days when people get some extra relief in the form of a midweek holiday, the government decides to spoil it for them. It’s not like drinking is illegal on a dry day per se, only buying is. One can buy and stock alcohol a day before a dry day and then drink later when all the shops and pubs are shut. It’s idiotic. Drinking is not illegal, buying is. They’re not trying to put a stop to drinking but only making people’s lives more difficult by causing this inconvenience. This also forces people to spend more by buying liquor from the borders and bootleggers. Don’t forget the risk of procuring illicit liquor and putting the body in harm’s way.

• Guru Ravidas Birthday
• Swami Dayanand Saraswati Jayanti
• Maha Shivratri
• Good Friday
• Ram Navami
• Mahavir Jayanti
• Buddha Purnima
• Janamashtmi
• Maharishi Valmiki’s Birthday
• Muharram
• Guru Nanak’s Birthday
• Guru Teg Bahadur’s Martyrdom Day

These are just some of the official dry days in Delhi. There are the usual Eid, Dussehra, Diwali and other national holidays, which I had mentioned earlier. On all these days and more, like voting days, etc., all booze shops are shut. On the three big national holidays, even pubs are not allowed to serve liquor. How is this fair to someone who does not celebrate any of these days? And what if one ‘celebrates’ by drinking?

It’s only in Delhi that the government is so strict. Of course, I am not counting Gujarat, which is a completely dry state. My personal experiences in Maharashtra and Karnataka have been quite different. It’s not as absurd there as it is here in Delhi. Here it’s like they’ll keep a dry day on the day some great personality ended his dry run and had sex with an actual girl some 80 years back.

I don’t understand the purpose of dry days. They don’t stop anyone from drinking liquor, only a little difficult. They’re not on those people’s birth anniversaries who condoned the act of drinking. If the government actually thinks that drinking is immoral or such; how will dry days help? Just for the record, in my humble opinion, drinking is not immoral. It’s a lifestyle choice. Just like smoking. Just like eating non-vegetarian food.

I call for a ban on dry days. Do you?

Delhi Police Haaye Haaye

It was Friday and I’d had a hectic day at work when I came home and saw a huge tent right opposite my apartment. I figured it was some religious thing since it was in the middle of the road right next to a nallah, which is apparently a tributary of the Yamuna river. It was about 9-10 at night and I was hoping it’d end soon. In the meanwhile, I found out from a friend of mine that this was the famous Chhath Puja. I was annoyed and I decided to pour myself a drink.

I shut the door and the windows tightly. I poured myself a drink and increased the volume of the music I was listening to. It was 11 PM and the noise from the tent only increased with time. I tried to stay patient but I was losing my cool. I’d anyway had a long day at work and when I came home to relax I found this crap going on. By 11:30 PM by head was splitting and alcohol wasn’t helping either. I decided to call the cops.

“Hello... Blah blah... You call is on hold. Please stay on the line... x 15”

I shit you not. I was on hold for the longest time and then I gave up. Or maybe the call got cut automatically, I don’t really remember. I called again.

“Hello... Blah blah... You call is on hold. Please stay on the line... x 7”

“Hello main dilli police se bol rahi hoon. Main aapki kya sahayata kar sakti hoon?

“Ji. Yeh main mayur vihar se bol raha hoon. Mere ghar ke saamne yeh do ghanto se tent laga hai. Udhar shor sharaba ho raha hai. Naach gaana ho raha hai. Loudspeaker laga hai. Aur jahan tak mere ko malum hai, 11 PM ke baad yeh sab allowed nahi hai na?”

“Sir hamare paas already complaint aa chuki hai. Yeh Chhath Puja chal rahi hai. Ho jayega na thodi der mein khatm.”

“Achha... Theek hai... Main thoda aur intezar karta hoon...”

That was it. She was rude and she was trying to justify what was happening there. This wasn’t the help I was expecting. I poured another drink, a big one this time, and switched from classic rock to heavy metal for further distraction. To my surprise, it still wasn’t enough and the noise from outside still overshadowed everything. I went to the balcony and took another look and saw more and more people coming in towards the tent. It felt like the party was about to begin. It was 12:30 AM and I decided to call the cops again.

“Hello... Blah blah... You call is on hold. Please stay on the line... x 9”

“Hello. Haanji main XYZ bol rahi hoon. Main aapki kya sahayata kar sakti hoon?”

“Haanji. Main Mayur Vihar se bol raha hoon. Aur yahan kaafi samay se bahar shor ho ra...”

“Aap Dilli se bol rahe hain?”

“Ji...”

“Yeh Faridabad hai... 011 laga ke 100 dial karein...”

“Hello?”

She hung up. I was appalled. I don’t know why I was connected to the Faridabad line and why they couldn’t transfer me to the correct one. I was losing my cool and I was to burn that tent down. I didn’t have enough petrol neither did I have want to go to jail. I called them again, this time, with the area code. It was 1 AM now.

“Hello... Blah blah... You call is on hold. Please stay on the line... x 13”

“Hello. Main Dilli Pulis se bol rahi hu. Main aapki kya sahayata kar sakti hoon?”

“Haanji. To main Mayur Vihar se bol raha hoon. Yahan pe mere ghar ke saamne ek tent laga hai. Udhar kai ghanto se loud music aur shor sharaba mach raha hai. Abhi ek baj gaya hai.”

“Aap kis area se bol rahe hain?”

“Ji, Mayur Vihar... New Ashok Nagar metro station ke paas...”

“Achha...”

“Haan... To yeh dikkat kar raha hai. Kaafi samay se chal raha hai. Ab late bhi ho gaya hai... Sone mein dikkat hai. Ghar pe boodhe log bhi hain...”

“Sir humne to force bhej di hai. Ab wo nahi jaate to hum kya karein?”

“Arre but aapka kaam hai nay eh theek karna? Ab aap batao main kya kar sakta hoon? Karna to aapko chahiye na kuch?”

“....”

“Hello?”

She hung up, again. She didn’t even finish the conversation and hung up on me. I was pissed off. This incompetency from their part was killing me. We count on them to help us out when we need them to and this is how they treat us. I am not paying my taxes for this. It was 2:00 AM now and it was time for another call.

“Hello... Blah blah... You call is on hold. Please stay on the line... x 23”

Again, no answer. I was fuming now. There was just no stopping this idiotic religious practice that was disturbing everyone else who was unfortunately situated around this place. Had it been a private party or a wedding ceremony, the cops would’ve immediately come and harassed the merry makers and taken a good few thousand bucks and then would’ve been seen drinking in their Gypsy a few minutes later. But alas, this was religion. This was a sensitive topic. How could they do anything about it? It was 3 AM now and I wanted to sleep. I called from a different number this time.

“Hello... Blah blah... You call is on hold. Please stay on the line... x 13”

“Hello. Main Dilli Pulis Sahayata Kendra se bol rahi hu. Main aapki kya madad kar sakti hoon?”

“Ji main aaj paanchvi chhathi baar phone kar raha hu. Mere ghar ke bahar raat 9-10 baje se tent laga hai aur udhar bahut loud shor ho raha hai. Abhi 3 baj gaye hain. Hume sona bhi hai. Kuch kijiye.”

“Ji hum karte hain kuch.”

“Yeh pehle bh bola gaya tha mujhe. Main baar baar phone nahi karna chahta.”

“Haanji samajhte hain hum.”

“Yahan bhagwaan ke naam pe kuch bhi ho raha hai ab. Aise sahi nahi hai. Main bhi raat bhar aapko phone nahi karna chahta baar baar. Please band karaiye ise.”

“Ji hum dekhte hain ki kya kar sakte hain...”

“Okay...”

What else could I say? I gave up. There was no hope. I made my last drink and went off to sleep. It took me a good couple of hours to sleep properly. Till 5 there was music playing outside, I remember. By 6 it faded away and that’s when I drifted away into a deep sleep, finally. It’s one night I don’t want to remember, ever.

It made me realise, yet again, how helpless we are in front of religion. Religion was created to make people do good and be good. But what have we made out of it? The whole country, the government, the police; everyone bows down in front of these religious fanatics. Lunatics, rather. Be it Chhath Puja or Kaanwad, things that cause trouble to others, are a menace to society, should NOT be allowed. The authorities should not be afraid of religion. In the name of secularism we are living in a country where we’ve made religion such a sensitive topic that no one dares take an opposing stand. People have become extremely intolerant and would be ready to kill in the name of their God.

I think we’re living on a hot volcano ready to erupt anytime now. There are riots happening in smaller towns currently, don’t be too surprised if you witness one sometime soon in a metro city. This is not the country I dreamed to live in. This is not the reason why I want to live in India.

Dear cops, government and everyone else who is in control; don’t take my love for the country away. Do something. Fix this mess.

The Day After Diwali

I was dreading the day after Diwali even on the day before Diwali. As luck would have it, Diwali, this year, fell on a Sunday. My kind employers decided on not giving any extra leaves and announced the Monday after Diwali as a working day. I was cribbing and pulling my chest hair in an attempt to overshadow the pain I was feeling because of this working Monday. I went into extreme depression. In protest, I decided to celebrate a wet Diwali. I played with water balloons, pichkri, gulaal, and grease. I’m sorry but I was depressed.

Thanks to my hectic work schedule, Diwali was a solemn affair this time ‘round and it was surprisingly quite awesome. There was no drinking, no gambling, no pimping. That is only to say that I did not get shit-faced, I did not bet my dog in a round of poker neither did I sell myself on the streets for some more money. I remember this Diwali for a change. I actually spent quality time with my family. I even met with my better half’s family and ate all the kheer at their place.

Let’s get to the day after Diwali. I woke up fresh and active like it was the first day in heaven and I was to be greeted by a line of 100 angels who would do anything on my command. I was not hungover, is what I mean. As soon as I realised it was a Monday and I had to go to work, I retreated into my shell again and felt like I was being molested by a cactus. It hurt.

I somehow managed to get out of bed and got ready to go to work. As soon as I hit the main road, I was pleasantly surprised. The roads were empty. It was like there had been a zombie plague and more than half the people were dead. Somehow everything turned to sepia mode just like those old pictures from the British Era. I could picture horse carts around me and pretty British women speaking in their ugly accents and dogs and Indians waiting outside restaurants. This life was good. I anyway always stand outside only when I go to Hauz Khas Village on a Saturday. So, not much has changed.

The drive to work which usually takes over 50 minutes every day, took a little less than 25 minutes on the day after Diwali. It was so smooth I almost came in my pants. Work was kind as well since most of the clients were on leave. I left before 7 PM for the first time in the last 6 years and this time I did cum as soon as I stepped out of the office. It was worth dirtying my pants this time.

Even in the evening, the roads were empty, people were hardly to be seen, autos couldn’t scam too many people, buses couldn’t kill too many people, there was no background music comprised of honking while I drove back home from work. While I was driving with my head outside the window and my tongue hanging out, I felt a tear drop down my eye, a tear of immense happiness as I came once again in my pants.

This was the life I had always dreamt of. A life where my Twitter TL is not filled with crap jokes being Retweeted a thousand times, a life where Indian stand up comics don’t act like pussies if you take their case for a change, a life where the population is directly divided by 4, a life where a man cums in pants thrice a day and people still don’t stare.

The day after Diwali was beautiful. I am glad I had to work that day. Or else I would’ve gotten drunk, gambled all night long, put up my dog as the big blind, put myself up as a bet while I went ‘all in’, and woken up in a sewer with a hangover.

Between Chhoti Diwali and Badi Diwali, we all grew up.