Sunday, 4 January 2015

I Know I Think I’m The Funniest Man Alive

I used to think of a lot of things about me. As I kid I thought I would become a pilot when I grew up. The only planes I’ve ever flown are made out of papers. I somehow was always fascinated of becoming a balloon seller as well. So even today when I see a balloon I get fascinated and start blowing. Balloons, not people. One thing that I never thought of ever, till some time back, was about me being funny. And by funny I don’t mean making an old deaf man laugh by showing him my peepee, but actually being the funniest man on Earth. Yes sir, I think that to be true.

In recent times I have been accused while at work that I don’t laugh at other people’s jokes and, in fact, I try to demean people who try to be funny in front of me. I’ve been told that I strangle their jokes in front of everyone and would then crack a lame ass joke and laugh so loud that people all around me are forced to laugh with me. Through this ‘hypnotist’ technique, I, apparently, ensure that I remain to be the funniest man around.

Well, it is somewhat true but the jokes that other people tell really are lame. The jokes that I tell are definitely funnier. Same goes for all the stand-up comics around like Vir Das, AIB, Papa Chutiya Ji, etc. They might be funny in front of their audience, they might be really funny during a live show, I would even concede that I’ve laughed so hard at a Vir Das show that I cried. But the credit does not go to how funny they are rather how well they perform live in front of a public.

A wise man once said: “Yaar chhe drink aur chaar joint phoonk ke to mai bhi stand-up comic ban jau.”

I strongly believe that I’m a little ahead of my times. See how I chose my words so carefully? I didn’t say ‘way ahead of my times’, I said ‘a little’ because I know my time is coming soon. Today, I crack funnies after funnies on Twitter and on my blog yet people don’t give a shit. Tomorrow, the same people will be paying to listen to or watch my jokes. You’ll see. You’ll all see. <insert_evil_laughter_of_a_failed_villain_who_has_never_been_able_to_succeed_in_spreading_any_sort_of_evilness_around_the_world_that_he_lives_in>

I’m extremely glad of this strong belief as it keeps me going and makes me not give up. Even if my Tweets and blogs and jokes go unnoticed, I know if it makes me laugh, it is funny. I am my own benchmark and I am the funniest. You may all think how stupid this is but know that Einstein never gave up and he ended up inventing science. Edison always believed in himself and he created porn. Aryabhatta didn’t feel ashamed that he was inventing something that would torture millions of students around the world for ages to come. If Hitler didn’t believe in himself, how in the world did he direct such great movies like Saving Private Ryan, Schindler’s List, Inglourious Basterds, etc?

You all may discourage me as much as you want but I will never give up. Spartans never give up neither do Baniyas. Some day you will realise that all your best jokes combined are still not as funny as my worst joke ever. I may not be a great speaker like Bose or Gandhi, but I am funny. Funnier than you, you, and you. You may want to bookmark this blog today or follow me on Facebook and Twitter, for soon I will be rich and famous and I will stop giving a shit about my fans then. I will just wave around my hair like blonde on a spring break and flash my hairy chest along with my mentor Shri Shri Anil Kapoor Ji in an open Jeep as we drive down India Gate and Bandstand.

It’s going to be a great year ahead. You may want to fall sick, because I’m going to give you a medicine that’s best: LAUGHTER!


BOOM BOOM = Do ulte moob.

Ashamed To Be A Hindu

I just got done watching Rajkumar Hirani and Aamir Khan’s PK. This blog is not particularly ‘inspired’ by it, but yes, the film definitely instigated me into writing this blog today. Let me also make one thing very clear, I didn’t quite like the movie. In fact, other than bits of the end, it was quite a pain to sit through the whole film especially the scenes with Donald Duck in it. The movie in itself was quite ridiculous (like most other Raju Hirani films) but I’m glad it did some good towards the end.

Also, just for clarity, I know Hirani has made just about 4 films but I say ‘most’ when I talk about his films that I didn’t like because other than Lage Raho Munnabhai I haven’t quite liked any of his other movies. Munnabhai MBBS was a little lame to be honest, I saw 3 Idiots twice just to see what the fuss was about but I could never figure, and now PK has yet again been quite a disappointment. Despite this, I quite respect the man for a fact that his films try and show some good. It’s like there is a message in all his films which people could really learn from. This is especially true of Lage Raho, 3 Idiots, and even PK.

There are some more facts that I’d like to clear before I proceed. I don’t believe in any God or religion per se. I was born into a Hindu family and I still live with them and I live in a community where we celebrate all festivals irrespective of what religion they are from. I don’t pray to any one God or through any religious practice and I don’t go to any religious establishment for any religious reasons. I may visit a church for its mystique, a temple for its architecture, a mosque for my curiosity, or a Gurudwara for its halwa.

What PK has tried to show in the film is probably through good intentions but it failed at so many levels. Firstly, the movie is so fake that nothing in the film is believable. None of the characters make sense and the whole film feels like an intellectual Rohit Shetty flick. The humour was not the kind I like, which was the case for both 3 Idiots and Munnabhai MBBS as well. The Hindu bashing was quite senseless at times and apart from the good intentions of the film, everything else failed. In fact, one of the songs just took me back to the ‘Janae Nahi… Denge Tujhe…’ song from 3 Idiots and I was half expecting Rancho or a Chatur to come on screen and fart.

In spite of everything failing, I must give Mr. Hirani a standing ovation for at least trying to bridge some gap between Hindus and Muslims, that too from India and Pakistan respectively, towards the end. Towards the end we also see how the film is not about any one religion in particular, as some Hindus are saying it is anti-Hindu, but it is against the concept of this ‘God’ that we ourselves have created. This alien was not against the concept of ‘God’ that created us but rather the whore that we’ve created out of it during our evolution. But all Hindus across the world taking it so personally and asking for a ban on the film brings me to the real topic here that I wish to talk about, which is the title of the blog as well.

Today, I have to admit, in whatever capacity that I am a Hindu, I am ashamed to be one. I know I’m not a practicing Hindu, I know I don’t believe in God, I know I don’t go to temples, I know don’t pray to the Gods, so whatever little connection I have with Hinduism, it makes me feel stupid to be a part of it. After a point in life, after a certain age, I never needed religion to tell me that I needed to do good or be good. I know what’s right or wrong without fearing the consequences of what a God might do to me. I’m well aware that all my actions will have consequences and I take decisions based on reason. I don’t blame God when something goes wrong neither do I credit God for the good that happens. Majority of what happens in my life is because of what I do along with the support of my friends and family, blessings of my loved ones, some amount of luck, and lots and lots of hard work or the lack of it.

So when I see so many Hindus today becoming extremists in some way or the other, it just saddens me to the core. This was never the case till a few years back. At least not in the strata of society where I belong. Not with the circle of people that I used to hang out with. But it seems like the same people have been brainwashed somehow by a greater power and now all they do is try to defend their religion from an enemy that does not even exist. By constantly defending it against an invisible enemy, they’ve managed to create a real one out of it.

Once upon a time I used to go to temples, I used to pray every night, I used to fear God and not do bad. It was because back then I was a kid, I did not have the brain to make sense of a lot of practical things. I’m glad I had this upbringing where I learned about the religion and the culture, etc. I’m gladder that my parents gave me the option to chart my own course when I did grow up and started to have my own thoughts as an individual which define me today. It is out of that respect that I don’t mind sitting with my parents during any Puja at home or going to the temple with them. It is not forced upon me out of fear of a God. We all have our individual beliefs and we must learn to respect each other for that.

If I can respect that you need to go to your temple or mosque or church or Gurudwara, you must respect that I don’t need to go to any. Chuck that, this is much bigger than what I want or don’t want. Why is it that all of a sudden all Hindus in our country are uniting against a so called invasion by the Muslims? Why is it that Hindus today need to get defensive about each and every little non-Hindu thing that happens in our country? Why are Hindus today so blind to see that PK is merely a crappy film which simply utilises the most popular religion in our country and has not got a personal vendetta against Hinduism?

By this logic, Americans should sue all the disaster Hollywood films which showcase destruction of American cities because that’s all they do apparently in each of their films. Right? But that is only because it is an American film and they are shooting in America so it is easier to destroy that rather than coming to India and shooting here to destroy Delhi or recreating a Delhi in the US. Similarly, if an alien gets dropped off in India, it is but natural that if he starts noticing religion, what he is going to encounter most is Hinduism!

I know we were never a tolerant bunch and the Hindu-Muslim war will continue till eternity, but it seems to be getting worse by the day. Especially lately because of reasons that I’m sure everyone is aware of. I don’t want to be a part of a community that practices hate outside of their temples or mosques. I don’t want to be a part of a community which prays for peace yet wishes ill for people of other religion. I don’t wish to be a part of a community that is fake and gets defensive on the stupidest of topics.

Always remember, this country does not belong to Hindus or Muslims or whoever else. It belongs to each one of its citizens irrespective of their religion. The Hindu in Hindustan has nothing to do with Hinduism (at least I’d like to believe so) and the current sentiment is extremely negative even for a person like me who, maybe, at least technically, is a Hindu. There is much more to do in the world and to worry about in the world than bloody defend our religions against invisible enemies. Let’s fix ourselves first and then worry about fixing others.

I’m not trying to bash Hinduism here but rather the people who’re trying to widen the gap between Hindus and Muslims or any other religion for that matter. I don’t discriminate between religions, rather I hate and respect them all equally. I also recently realised that ‘deleting’ all religion from this planet will not help us in any way possible. We are humans and we are capable of finding excuses to kill each other any which way. So all you atheists out there who are spending their lives’ worth in trying to destroy religion from this planet, please give up, it is a worthless exercise. If you think it’s religion today that’s killing us all, tomorrow it may be something else. The problem is with us and nothing else.


The sooner we realise, the better.