Thursday, 25 June 2015

When To Use A Condom

Everybody talks about how a condom should be used but nobody cares about when it should be used. I believe that in today’s time and age the latter is more important. I’m sure every Indian boy has, at one time or the other, put on that rubber grip on his cricket bat, and if he hasn’t, he is probably not getting any sex in life, ever. So if he can do that, he can surely put on that slimy piece of rubber called a condom on his penis.

We don’t need tutorial classes on how a condom should be bought with confidence or how it should be opened, the important thing here is to teach us Indians on the importance of actually using it when we think it’s not needed to be used. Case in point, the Delhi University cut-off list!

We are breeding a whole generation of pseudo-intelligent students who are currently capable of scoring a 100% marks and will probably be capable of scoring even better in the future. This is not the world God had intended to make when he was enjoying the big bang. He got fucked!

If everyone starts scoring above 98%, what will be the novelty of it all? Back in the day, scoring above 90% was a big deal and it was celebrated amongst families, friends, and entire neighbourhoods and relatives from Tanzania, Papua New Guinea, and Canada. Now a student scoring 95% has 2 options:

  1. Join IIPM
  2. Suicide

You know which one is more popular in our country. They should probably come up with a new tagline of sorts “Dare to think beyond IIPM? Join us in a mass suicide! Free laptop!!

If I were in school in today’s India, I would have probably been amongst the cream. The masses today are brilliant and the average kid is the cream, quite clearly. We’ve seen how the brilliant ones end up: Engineering + MBA + Goldman Sachs + Suicide. The average almost always ends up dropping a year to travel and experiment with substances and then discover a real talent and make it big eventually by staying happy with what they do. It’s like it’s become tough to score average marks. Parents will be soon like:

Mere bete ke 68% aaye hain.” Father feeling proud.

Mai kya batau Gupta ji, mere haraam ke pille ne 98% score kar liye. Samajh nahi ata is nalayak ka kya karu!” Frustrated father. “Kyu be chutiye, kya ukhaad lega Stephen’s join karke? Hain? Thode average se number nahi la sakta tha? Deshbandhu Evening mei mil jata to life ban jati. Baap ki naak kata di. Poora ma pe gaya hai. Nalayak!

This is a warning sign for an eventuality that is more dangerous than global warming. Frankly, you should not give a fuck about global warming because it is not going to have much effect in our lifetime. But with every passing year, a new breed of these pseudo-intelligent creatures will keep infesting our countries and we will have IIMs and IITs in all the strange places like IIM Dharavi, IIT Sonagachi, etc.

My point is that we need to bring this under control and treat this in a more serious way than the world treated Ebola. We Indians may know how to put on a condom on our dicks but we certainly don’t know when to put it. Let all the educationists and gurujis of the country pledge to teach people to put on a condom when they least think it’s required.

I want Baba Ramdev to go out and tell the people of the country that using a condom will ensure that the couple will have a boy child and I guarantee all our country’s problems will be solved.

No more Sarthak Agarwals. We want more Chunky Pandeys, Baba Sehgals, and Akash Ambanis. Are you with me? Promise me that the next time you decide to have sex for procreation, put on a condom and do it for the pleasure instead. Let’s make this world a better place, together, you and me.

Jai Jawan Jai Kisan.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Days Like International Yoga Day

It’s a great feeling for the Indian in me when I see my country’s culture reaching the whole world through days like International Yoga Day. It gives me immense pleasure when Shri Narendra Modi Ji, Honourable Prime Minister of India, is on radio or TV or Facebook or Twitter or in Namibia or Cambodia or Kyrgyzstan talking about how proud he feels about being an Indian, finally. It’s almost orgasmic. I have a feeling that this is just the beginning of our country’s greatness being appreciated by the greatest of countries the world over and we should not let the momentum die. I suggest we should celebrate more such days like the International Yoga Day which celebrate the Indian culture at its best. We have 12 months and we should have a day each month to celebrate our awesomeness. Following are some suggestions:

International Shame A Woman Day
Be it raping her, molesting her, staring at her, hitting her, or simply disrespecting her; we need a day when men the world over have a day to themselves to treat their women like shit and shame them in both private and public.

International Litter Day
This is probably going to be a tough one for a lot of countries but they should experience the liberating feeling of littering wherever possible. There’s just one rule: You can’t litter in a dustbin or a designated place for trash. Let the games begin, you have 24 hours!

International Child Labour Day
Imagine instead of a ‘nanny’, parents world over start hiring a ‘poti’ to take care of their young ones. Wouldn’t it be a great feeling for them to go to a fancy restaurant with their noisy kids and a caretaker younger than the kid themselves, and while they and their kids eat, the caretaker sits on the side just cleaning up the mess the kids create!? They deserve this once a year!

International Dowry Day
The westerners have gotten it all wrong. They don’t know how to get married. What is a wedding, after all, without a bit of give and take? These modern, educated foreigners need a day on which if they get married, the groom gets gold worth 3 times more than his entire wealth.

International Public Urination Day
This is my favourite one. There is something wrong with the world if a self-righteous man can’t urinate in public without shame when he wants. It’s time for the West to get equal rights and a day when all the men walk around in public just peeing on the streets.

International Cow Worship Day
This makes so much sense. You’re praying to an animal that gives you milk and one of the tastiest meats ever. On this day, it should be made compulsory for each person to touch the feet of a cow before they eat their steak.

International Break a Rule Day
This one is more like a Mah Lyf Mah Rulz kind of a day. Who needs to stop at red lights? Who needs to pass an exam without cheating? Who needs to tell the truth about their last salary? You’re free to do what you want. You got a day. What will you do?

International Treat A Foreigner Like God Day
Who says God isn’t amongst us? Come to India and you will find white-skinned Gods walking all around us. Make us talk to one and you will quickly notice how we start licking their ass in an instant. Try it, even if just for a day.

International Kill Your Kin Day
Hey, so your Catholic daughter married a Protestant boy? Kill her. Or did your New York raised daughter married someone from Colorado? Kill him instead. Or did you just catch her meeting her boyfriend at 8 in the evening? Kill them both and bury them in Vegas.

International No Condom Day
Real men don’t need condoms. Hell yeah. Ask any Indian and he will proudly talk about how his below average sized penis does not need no rubber. One day across the world where every couple needs to have sex without a condom and ensure they have a baby in 9 months. Why should India be the only country procreating like rabbits?

International Give A Random Fuck Day
What would your father say? What would your neighbour think? What if your friend finds out? What if your tailor sees you? What if that beggar spots you there? WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK? Give a random fuck. Make some complete idiot’s day by spoiling yours. Try it once!

PS - It is a given that each of these days will be governed by the awe-inspiring, omnipresent days of all. The one and only. DRY DAY!

Friday, 5 June 2015

Life Of A Machhar Wala

I remember reading a story while in school about this man from Afghanistan who used to give out mosquitoes to little kids for free. And his name was… Machhar Wala. Well, no surprise there. So the story went something like this: He was a kind old man who used to come down to India twice a year, much like all our NRI relatives back in the ‘90s. He was an innocent old man who had relatives back in India and always got goodies for them.

How he got this name Machhar Wala was because of this one incident that happened during his last ever visit in 1947. He was on his way to catch his flight when he was walking past a group of kids where he saw this fat little boy bullying a young girl making fun of her non existent bosom. The boy was, in fact, taking pride in the fact that his male breasts were bigger. The Machhar Wala just stood there in shock and realized that they were just kids fighting innocently and the boy probably didn’t know having manboobs was no great feat.

As he was walking away he heard the little girl howling incessantly and running towards an approaching train. The Machhar Wala saw that and reacted quickly. He ran towards the girl and rescued her from the oncoming train and they both fell on the other side. Panting and recuperating from the fall, the Machhar Wala helped the little girl back on her feet and asked politely about what happened. She told him how the boys in her school and colony made fun of her about how thin she was. This brought a tear in his eyes and he promised the girl that it would get better for her eventually and left to catch his flight.

The Machhar Wala was back in Afghanistan but could not forget the sobbing face of that little girl he had encountered back in India. He would have sleepless nights, he would walk aimlessly all around Kabul eating Channas, and binge drink tea all day long. On one of those troubled days he got bitten by a mosquito and fell quite ill. He stayed ill for many a days and it felt to him like he was on his death bed counting his last few breaths. The image of the crying girl just wouldn’t leave him and that was making his health even worse. Full of regret, he started crying one last time before he looked at the cursed mosquito bite on his arm and suddenly had an epiphany.

He swiftly got up from his bed and immediately started feeling better. He booked a one way ticket to India and spent the next few nights in Kabul collecting as many mosquitoes as he could. He prepared for his one last trip and was on his way.

As soon as he landed, the first thing he did was to go back to the spot where he had met that little girl. She was nowhere to be seen. He continued to wait for her in the hopes that she would once again be back with her friends to play at the same place. After 4 days of waiting, as he was about to give up, the Machhar Wala saw a boy walking towards him and recognized him immediately. It was the same plump little boy but he wasn’t as fat as he used to be. The Machhar Wala enquired about the little girl and the boy had sad news. The boy told him how she had committed suicide by jumping in front of the next train after the Machhar Wala had left her alone. The Machhar Wala fainted.

He woke up 3 nights later next to a gutter with torn clothes and all his luggage missing other than the bag with the mosquitoes. He started feeling sick again and knew that it was now time for him to die. But he knew what he had to do before he left the world. He gathered whatever little courage that was left and waited for sunrise. With the first ray of light he marched towards the nearest playground with his bagful of mosquitoes.

He went from playground to playground throwing Kabuli mosquitoes at little petite girls. He went to schools and he went to swimming pools. He went all places where he could find thin young girls who he could help and threw as many mosquitoes as he could at them. Within a week he became so popular that the little boys started feeling left out and wanted some mosquitoes for themselves. A group of notorious young boys stole his stash and started distributing the mosquitoes to their gang not knowing what it could do to them.

The Machhar Wala tried to stop them but the boys just wouldn’t listen. They beat him up bad and left him to die on a railway track. He was in no condition to move and he saw a slow moving train coming at him. He felt bad about the boys but he was happy that, at least, he helped many a young girls. He looked at his arm and noticed his swelling. It brought a smile to his face that the mosquitoes would bite the girls at the right places and it would help them become well endowed. He did feel a tinge of regret for letting the boys have the mosquitoes but he thought some manboobs in the world will not harm anyone.

As the train came closer and closer, he remembered the little girl one more time and closed his eyes and got ready to face his maker. He had done as much as he could. He helped as many kids as he could. Though he would always regret not being able to help the little girl, but he was ready to face the consequences in heaven above. The train crossed over him and the legend of the Machhar Wala got etched in India’s history as the most mysterious one.

Men even today wonder why they have manboobs and women still wonder how some women are so well endowed. The story of the Machhar Wala was long forgotten as generations after generations twisted it around and what we know of it today is the famous Kabuli Wala as that is a more probable story.

I’d like to believe the one I have just shared is the real one. This one has more hope. This one changed the way I looked at life. This will always remain.

Dedicated to all kids across India, thin or fat, you either need a mosquito bite, or a mosquito has bitten you. Because, as a Machhar Wala once said: “There’s only 2 kinds of people in the world, those who have been bitten by a mosquito, and those who haven’t.”