Thursday, 30 July 2015

Life On The Streets Of Delhi

I’m not talking about the beggars. I’m not even referring to the street dogs. And I’m definitely not going to write about prostitutes (again). I’m talking about you. And me. And everybody we know. Yes, we are the newest gang on the street and we hate it.

Once upon a time there used to be a Delhiite who was proud of its roads. We used to proudly tell our counterparts from Mumbai / Kolkata / Bengaluru about how amazing Delhi was given it had such wide roads and not as bad traffic as existed in other cities. Even the regular middle class parents were visibly more proud about the amazingly big streets of Delhi than their kids being able to cure cancer.

Garv se hamara sar upar uthta tha aur hum kehte the “Kabhi dilli aake gaadi chalao.” Wo din hai aur aaj ka din hai.

According to a report, an average Delhiite spends over 23 hours a day stuck in traffic. And the break up is as follows:

  • 6:00 a.m – 8:00 a.m: Meditation to deal with traffic
  • 8:00 a.m – 9:00 a.m: Fight over late breakfast which will now force the person to end up in traffic
  • 9:00 a.m – 11:00 a.m: Stuck in actual traffic and saying #%$#%#%@#$@ x infinity
  • 11:00 a.m – 1:00 p.m: Cribbing at work about the traffic
  • 1:00 p.m – 2:00 p.m: Cribbing about traffic over lunch
  • 2:00 p.m – 3:00 p.m: Listen to boss, who has just come in, crib about traffic
  • 3:00 p.m – 6:00 p.m: Stuck in traffic while going to meeting. Cribbing while at the meeting. Stuck in traffic while coming back from meeting
  • 6:00 p.m – 9:00 p.m: Stuck in actual traffic and saying #%$#%#%@#$@ x infinity
  • 9:00 p.m – 10:00 pm: Cribbing about traffic over work
  • 10:00 p.m – 12:00 a.m: Beat up wife to take the traffic frustration out
  • 12:00 a.m – 5:00 a.m: Have nightmares about being stuck in traffic
  • 5:00 am – 6:00 am: Only peaceful hour. Spend masturbating.

This is what life has become for an average Delhiite. Driving on Ring Road has become worse than walking in Paranthe Wali Galli. Going to office and getting back is an achievement in itself. People don’t leave their homes without some dahi cheeni. Friends are being made at various red lights after multiple chance meetings between strangers. Beggars know certain people by name and have even tried giving job interviews to people while they wait for hours at end at these red lights.

We had one thing better than Mumbai. One thing. And now that’s gone too.

When it rains in Mumbai and the roads get jammed and the trains stop, it makes sense. It rains like a bitch there. When it rains in Delhi, all the same things happen, the roads get jammed and the metro stops, but it doesn’t make sense. It rains for like 15 minutes and people slow down their cars and try to keep it away from puddles as if the car will sink in 3-inch deep water.

Nothing is left sacred in this city any longer. There are traffic jams even during the afternoons on weekends. This city is going to the cars.

Ring Road used to be a signal less road and it continues to be the same more or less. But now the realities are much different. At any given time during the day, there is at the very least, one car or truck or bus stranded due to some technical failure on any one of the gazillion flyovers which causes a massive 15 km long traffic jam EVERY DAY ALL THE TIME.

And at any given time during the last 30 years, there has been either a flyover in construction or a part of the metro line being constructed at the key spots in Delhi. This whole construction scene to improve the city’s traffic is such an oxymoron. They stop the traffic to make the traffic better. But this is a never ending process. This will go on until the entire length and breadth of Delhi roads become flyovers and all underground area is converted into metro tracks. Simply put, this will go on forever.

What have we done to our beloved city at the cost of expansion? It’s only getting worse and it will never stop. Delhi is not what it used to be. And I don’t mean it in a good way. One minute silence for the Delhi that was, only if it is possible to be silent given the noise of traffic around us. Amen.

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Hauz Khas Village – A Sophisticated GB Road

It is, isn’t it?

What once used to be an actual village of sorts, which then turned into a hot spot of up and coming designers, and eventually the mecca of nightlife in Delhi is now merely a shadow of what it used to be, of what it represented. What it represented was a great amalgamation of multiple cultures, which Delhi anyway is, where different tribes of people would come together to create a unique experience never known before to a Delhiite.

Hauz Khas Village

What Hauz Khas Village is today is the perfect example how something reaches its saturation point and burns out. It happens to places like this and it happens to people as well. HKV today is like that super brilliant scientist who goes crazy after one super invention and roams around the streets drunk and half naked giving blowjobs for crack.

Hauz Khas Village has become a nightmare. From the parking to the crowd to the bouncers, nothing works in favour of a place that used to be a second home to many of Delhi’s elites. It was no surprise to spot actors from Bollywood or small time politicians enjoying a Sunday brunch on one of the many rooftop cafes in the area. Now what we see are unruly men and women simply too late to join the bandwagon giving the ‘high life’ their best shot.

As you enter the lane leading up to the entrance of Hauz Khas Village, midway you are greeted by burly unkempt men manning police barriers yelling at autorickshaws to dare not cross their lakshman rekha lest they wanted to get beaten up in full public view. Mind you, these are not cops, these are not bouncers; these are goondas given authority by the locals to do as they please in the name of maintaining law and order.

Of course, the cops are all probably a part of the scam as well. At least a thousand drunk men and women leave that place to head home or some after party at Sainik Farms but nowhere do you see the men in uniform actually ever doing anything about it. I wonder, at times, after reading multiple reports of road accidents in Delhi that how many of these people were in Hauz Khas Village before they decided to drive drunk?

Parking has always been a pain in the area given the design and the single road approach to Hauz Khaz Village, but it has grown beyond being just a problem anymore. On a Saturday night, one needs to take into consideration the time one spends parking the car and getting it out that a good 2 hours are taken up just for that. And this gave rise to our favourite spot: Summer House Café.

It is a mini Hauz Khas Village in itself and it didn’t take more than 6 months to become a shit hole that Hauz Khas Village already was. Merely 2 months back it was a place where one could go to avoid the madness that was HKV, it’s now become even worse than some of the crappiest places down the road. The bouncers and the so called ‘manager’ at the counter at the entrance size up chicks as they walk in with their boy toys and the firangi ass licking they do is on another level altogether. The drinks are shabby and the crowd is full of guys spending money to get their girls drunk so that they could hook up. If you want to be entertained, you should just wait downstairs after the place shuts down and just listen to people talk and make plans for the night. From the guy who now knows the Wimpy’s chap by name given that he comes there regularly to the Sangam Vihar businessman who has come here for the first time with some girls in his daddy’s car; everyone acts like such a douchebag that it is cringe worthy at times.

Now coming to the title of the blog. What is GB Road? It’s Delhi’s red light area where women work by having sex with men for money. And what is Hauz Khaz Village? It’s Delhi’s disco light area where men work their asses off to get their girls into bed with them by spending money on shitty drinks and getting them drunk.

GB Road

There may be nothing bad about either of the places, I’m sure, but at least let’s accept that this is how it is. And you know the only difference between the two places?

You check in at Hauz Khas Village, and, well, you don’t at GB Road unless you’re the proudest most bad ass pimp Delhi has ever seen! 

Monday, 6 July 2015

The Importance Of The Indian Independence Day

There is none.

Now that I have set the context, I can go on and tell you why there isn’t. Following are the reasons why the Indian people know about the 15th of August or celebrate the Indian Independence Day:

  • Dry Day: Buy as much booze as you can the day before because the urge to drink alcohol on a Dry Day is at least 107 times higher than on a normal day. And when you are done emptying the bottles you bought the day before, which you will, head to a bootlegger to add to the thrill of being independent and pay 4 times the prize of that Royal Stag you will buy. Oh wait, on the way back, when you get caught riding your bike triples and only wearing your vest, argue with the cop that it’s your right to be who you are on Independence Day
  • Kite Flying: When you stay in either Old Delhi or Ahmedabad or Jaipur, it is easily assumed that you do not have access to electricity and in turn you have no computer or an Internet connection and you still rent Debonair and Fantasy magazines to wank off. And when you are done wanking off for 364 days of the year, the only other source of entertainment you have is to fly kites. An additional bonus being able to kill people at times by letting the manjha go haywire!
  • Republic Day Parade: Of course, you must have met someone in your life who thought that the Republic Day parade happens on the 15th of August every year because that is our Independence Day. If not, then you’re yet to meet some of the most interesting people to ever walk on the face of the Earth.
  • Holiday: Get drunk on the 14th of August with your office / college buddies and come home sloshed, take off your pants and your shirt and scratch your paunch before you go off to sleep. Wake up sweaty with a bad hangover and a splitting headache, go wash your face in the loo and come back scratching your balls and go back to sleep again. Most independent you will ever feel. 
  • The Indian Flag: Do you know there are set rules on how to hoist the Indian Flag? There’s an actual Indian Flag Code which you can check out for yourself. If the government is going to expect the Indian citizens to go through a 26 page manual on the use of the Indian Flag, well, they’re expecting too much from the laziest country on the planet. 
  • The Years: We always focus on the amazing number of years that we have been independent. Like we’ve achieved a lot in these so called ‘independent’ years. I mean, just for some perspective, there are actual people older than Independent India. Just saying. 
  • Patriotism: Bhagat Singh. Sukhdev. Rajguru. That’s what the Indian freedom struggle is to the common man here. There used to be a bit of Gandhi in there, but, thanks Modi! Oh wait, did I not mention Jallianwala Bagh? A trip to Amritsar must be due. I owe this to my country. Sob sob.
  • Independence Day (the movie): We live in a country where every English movie channel on TV ends up showing Independence Day. And we all know Independence Day. It is a movie about some aliens who’re trying to take over the world, apparently, but the great USofA comes to the rescue and saves the world from total annihilation. And coincidentally, the final blow is dealt on the 4th of July and that’s when the American President, quite confidently, declares it to be an Independence Day for the whole of mankind! Well…

What does Independence Day mean to you? I would love to know!