Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Good Morning My Ass

They say God is in the details. Sometimes they even say that devil is in the details. But there is no God and I know where the devil resides. He is not a dark lord sitting on the clouds at night sipping beer with Batman. Neither does he go around with a sickle looking for people to kill post midnight. The devil sleeps when we sleep. The devil wakes up when we wake up. The first light is the devil’s fuel.

The devil is in the morning, rather the ‘Good Morning’. 

I hate good mornings. I like mornings that are good, of course, but I hate the greeting called ‘good morning’. What does it even mean? Why is it assumed that people are having a good morning? Why do people randomly yell out ‘good morning’ like they mean it when they walk past me in the mornings? I mean, even if I’m having a good morning, the fact that someone says that out loud to me automatically makes it not such a good morning no more.

I mean, think about it. You’re starting your day, you’ve woken up after a 45 minute fight with the snooze button, you barely manage to run a kilometer but you’re as exhausted as a 90 year old man having sex on Viagra, you manage to find your way through the manic traffic and reach work without killing anyone and the first thing someone says to you instead of a "Hey job well done, welcome!" is "Good fucking morning".

Have you ever even thought what it means? Is it an assumption that one is having a good morning or is it a wish for that person to have a good morning? It’s a blatantly incorrect assumption if it is the latter and it is all lies if you tell me you genuinely wish for others to have a good morning. It’s just 2 words we are so used to saying all our lives (remember school? – Goooooood morniiiiiing maaaaaaammmmm) that we continue to use them even today without rhyme or reason.

I genuinely believe the world would be a much better place if we stop saying it and genuinely say something else that we actually mean (at least remotely) to say.

‘Good night’ is still acceptable. Though I prefer to use “have a good night” as I genuinely want others to have a good night. It’s the least anyone ever deserves – to have a good night’s sleep. A sleep that is not followed by a stupid ‘good morning’. You could be sleeping on the streets or in an air-conditioned room, once you’re asleep, it doesn’t matter where you are. All you’re left with is the dream to see a world where people don’t say ‘good morning’ ever again.

You all must be wondering if I have a personal vendetta against ‘good morning’. Well, you’re partially correct, I must admit. I’m a guy. And I have a penis. And I sleep at night (almost always). And I wake up in the mornings. And sometimes, just sometimes, I wake up with wood. Yes, I’m talking about the mythical force that governs the bodies of men all over the world. The magical phenomenon that is as hard to describe as explaining the Pythagoras Theorem to Radhe Maa. It happens to all of us. Black, white, Indian, Asian. It doesn’t matter who you are. If you are a guy and you have a penis, you must have experienced ‘morning wood’.


For the uneducated ones, morning wood is a marvel of nature wherein a man wakes up with an erect penis in the morning for no reason whatsoever. Even if you masturbate at night or have sex 3 hours before you wake up, you can still have a penis as hard as the 11th standard math chapter on application of derivatives in the morning. It will not make sense. It will go away when it pleases to. And you will not be able to do a thing.

You can’t wake up and start pleasing yourself, now, can you? Masturbation is any which way not a very inspiring activity. And masturbating first thing in the morning will confirm all your doubts of being addicted to it. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with masturbation but rinsing your penis before your mouth in the morning sounds like a disturbing trend to me. The only way that the morning wood makes sense is when you have someone to poke it with. And we all know that it’s a dream that all men live with. Poking is a fairly risky prospect and it probably needs a separate blog post.

Poke and ye shall find.

Till next time... All of you all have a very wood morning.

PS - Follow me on Twitter @LaughingJawan and find out all about my organs in 140 characters or less. 

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