Tuesday, 7 June 2016

The Safest Place In Delhi

I’m a Jamnaa Paar kid. You know, the place where the autos don’t go. Where the streets have no names. And where the majority of the baniyas of the city live in. Me being one. Pity I don’t have a single trait of being a baniya. No wonder I haven’t been able to monetise this stupid blog of mine yet. I’m such a nakli baniya that my dad is a doctor and my mom practices astrology for charity!

So, it was, of course, a big move up when my family and I decided to move to South Delhi so that we could be closer to work and not spend 9 hours a day on the road just honking, yelling, sweating, spitting, and blowing our noses. After living for close to 28 years on the other side of the Yamuna, it finally felt like our dreams of becoming cocks like all other South Delhiites was going to come true. But… It wasn’t to be.

Even after spending over a year living here I can still see creatures from Jamnaa Paar as humans. This also includes beings from Rohini, Punjabi Bagh, Pitampura, and more. They did not suddenly start stinking or started looking dirty. I went to my nearest Starbucks to check what was wrong with me. Why was I not able to blur away their presence? I smashed my Java Chip on the floor but picked up my laptop and slowly walked away. I had no answer.

It was not until Ramadan 2015 that I understood how this city of ours worked. It was a regular night in the middle of the week when my wife and I decided to grab a few drinks after work. It was about 11:25 pm when we started feeling hungry and we just couldn’t get ourselves to order 48 pieces of nachos for 475 rupees. I mean, unless those nachos are plated with gold, they’re not going through my throat. Or, unless Angelina Jolie shat on them. I'm sure even her poop tastes like chocolate. She's a Goddess, after all.

Anyway, it was then when we decided to go to our favourite joint where we would go once in 6 months when we were broke and wanted to be bad Hindus. No I’m not talking about GB Road. That would be plain weird. Well, I’m not sure. I’ve never tried it. Not that I want to. But maybe Amsterdam’s GB Road one day? Who knows.

We drove for 20 odd minutes before the familiar shady lane greeted us with the usual hustle bustle even at 12:05 in the night. And no, we did not land up in Mumbai in 20 minutes. The story is still about Delhi. So… We parked the car inside the government hospital that’s about 600 meters from our actual destination. We took a rickshaw and started rocking towards our regular spot. The ride is quite good for your libido as it goes through many ups and downs and if you're feeling extremely horny, you could have an orgasm by imagining this ride to be a sex simulator.

And then it appeared. The beauty. Amongst the crowded and the brightly lit neighbourhood, you can see it resting behind all the madness, the Jama Masjid. The famed Jama Masjid from the Chandni Chowk area. It’s what Old Delhi is proud of. It’s what makes Delhi 6 actually 6e. And you know, where apparently all the terrorists of the city go to? Like, I have heard from some very close sources that they have a Yakub Memon, Afzal Guru, and an Umar Khalid memorial within the compounds with access only to Dawood and Kanhaiya Kumar.

We stopped as soon as we saw Lalu Shahi Kababi’s brightly lit sign board with flashing lights on. Our destination was on our left. We ordered the regular – bade ke kabab (buff meat). They’re dipped in butter and after the first bite, I always need to check my crotch in case I came. Thankfully, it has never happened yet but that buttery kabab in the mouth can make anyone cum.

It was more crowded than usual that night and that’s when we realised it was Ramadan. There were families and friends, boys and girls, young and old, all in their traditional terrorist attire, you know, a white kurta pajama with a skull cap and a beard? Some women didn’t have beards. But, of course, that’s how all terrorists look like, right?

We decided to walk around and infiltrate this terrorist network a little deeper this time. It was almost 1:00 am and we were only going deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. All that these stupid terrorists had was some amazing food (read: meat), great hospitality and sweets to die for. Ahh, who were they kidding. They could not scare us into not eating their god given food. We could also see their laugh was fake. Their joyful gestures were all a trick to lure us into believing all was ok. And boy oh boy they had a serious attitude problem. They acted as if they didn’t even notice us. How can that be? We were the so called 'normal' people walking cautiously in an apparently unsafe area. I'm sure every kid there that night was just a dwarf terrorist with amazing makeup. Oh these smart terrorists, always coming up with new tricks to fool people. Hah!

We spent enough time eating Biryani, Seekh Kabab, Shaami Kabab, Korma, and wrapped it up with a kilo of firni each. We were quite sure that with the amount of food we ate and the money we spent, they would definitely not kill us. It was 2:00 am when we sat back in the car. And this is the conversation we had:

R (me): Ahh. What a night!
A (her): Seriously, what killer kababs. *burps*
R: I can’t imagine it’s 2 o clock at night!
A: I know. It’s brilliant
R: Imagine GK 2 M Block at this time.
A: Ugh. Guys in their Audis and Mercs drinking outside 24/7 and spitting their hot dogs on the road.
R: Hahaha yea. I can’t even imagine the drunkenness that must be happening at Hauz Khas Village. 
A: I’m sure there’s a rape happening in a Fortuner in Gurgaon as we speak. 
R: Insensitive but true! 
A: And they call this place unsafe. Why?
R: Muzzlims.
A: Bhencho, chutiye.
R: *drives away*

It’s that time of the year, people. Some great food, vibes, and hospitality await you in the by lanes of Matia Mahal. Don’t go by what your parents say about a crowded place dominated by Muslims. There are bigger idiots in just South Delhi than all the rest of Delhi combined. I know them personally and I’m sure we have all experienced their dick behaviour from time to time.

I vouch for you and your girl and your family’s safety if and when you go witness Ramadan celebrations near Jama Masjid. It’s a mind blowing experience that you can’t get that anywhere else in the city. Shun the malls and the pubs with their fake offers and go and get this authentic experience. It’s completely chill unless of course you start yelling “TERRORIST TERRORIST!!” at seeing a Muslim man dressed traditionally. I’m quite sure they’ll cut off your kabab and hang it as a tourist sight. I mean, it would be the right thing to do irrespective of anyone’s religion.

I’m going to be there. Are you? 


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