Hauz Khas Village – A Sophisticated GB Road

It is, isn’t it?

What once used to be an actual village of sorts, which then turned into a hot spot of up and coming designers, and eventually the mecca of nightlife in Delhi is now merely a shadow of what it used to be, of what it represented. What it represented was a great amalgamation of multiple cultures, which Delhi anyway is, where different tribes of people would come together to create a unique experience never known before to a Delhiite.

Hauz Khas Village

What Hauz Khas Village is today is the perfect example how something reaches its saturation point and burns out. It happens to places like this and it happens to people as well. HKV today is like that super brilliant scientist who goes crazy after one super invention and roams around the streets drunk and half naked giving blowjobs for crack.

Hauz Khas Village has become a nightmare. From the parking to the crowd to the bouncers, nothing works in favour of a place that used to be a second home to many of Delhi’s elites. It was no surprise to spot actors from Bollywood or small time politicians enjoying a Sunday brunch on one of the many rooftop cafes in the area. Now what we see are unruly men and women simply too late to join the bandwagon giving the ‘high life’ their best shot.

As you enter the lane leading up to the entrance of Hauz Khas Village, midway you are greeted by burly unkempt men manning police barriers yelling at autorickshaws to dare not cross their lakshman rekha lest they wanted to get beaten up in full public view. Mind you, these are not cops, these are not bouncers; these are goondas given authority by the locals to do as they please in the name of maintaining law and order.

Of course, the cops are all probably a part of the scam as well. At least a thousand drunk men and women leave that place to head home or some after party at Sainik Farms but nowhere do you see the men in uniform actually ever doing anything about it. I wonder, at times, after reading multiple reports of road accidents in Delhi that how many of these people were in Hauz Khas Village before they decided to drive drunk?

Parking has always been a pain in the area given the design and the single road approach to Hauz Khaz Village, but it has grown beyond being just a problem anymore. On a Saturday night, one needs to take into consideration the time one spends parking the car and getting it out that a good 2 hours are taken up just for that. And this gave rise to our favourite spot: Summer House Café.

It is a mini Hauz Khas Village in itself and it didn’t take more than 6 months to become a shit hole that Hauz Khas Village already was. Merely 2 months back it was a place where one could go to avoid the madness that was HKV, it’s now become even worse than some of the crappiest places down the road. The bouncers and the so called ‘manager’ at the counter at the entrance size up chicks as they walk in with their boy toys and the firangi ass licking they do is on another level altogether. The drinks are shabby and the crowd is full of guys spending money to get their girls drunk so that they could hook up. If you want to be entertained, you should just wait downstairs after the place shuts down and just listen to people talk and make plans for the night. From the guy who now knows the Wimpy’s chap by name given that he comes there regularly to the Sangam Vihar businessman who has come here for the first time with some girls in his daddy’s car; everyone acts like such a douchebag that it is cringe worthy at times.

Now coming to the title of the blog. What is GB Road? It’s Delhi’s red light area where women work by having sex with men for money. And what is Hauz Khaz Village? It’s Delhi’s disco light area where men work their asses off to get their girls into bed with them by spending money on shitty drinks and getting them drunk.

GB Road

There may be nothing bad about either of the places, I’m sure, but at least let’s accept that this is how it is. And you know the only difference between the two places?

You check in at Hauz Khas Village, and, well, you don’t at GB Road unless you’re the proudest most bad ass pimp Delhi has ever seen! 

The Importance Of The Indian Independence Day

There is none.

Now that I have set the context, I can go on and tell you why there isn’t. Following are the reasons why the Indian people know about the 15th of August or celebrate the Indian Independence Day:

• Dry Day: Buy as much booze as you can the day before because the urge to drink alcohol on a Dry Day is at least 107 times higher than on a normal day. And when you are done emptying the bottles you bought the day before, which you will, head to a bootlegger to add to the thrill of being independent and pay 4 times the prize of that Royal Stag you will buy. Oh wait, on the way back, when you get caught riding your bike triples and only wearing your vest, argue with the cop that it’s your right to be who you are on Independence Day

• Kite Flying: When you stay in either Old Delhi or Ahmedabad or Jaipur, it is easily assumed that you do not have access to electricity and in turn you have no computer or an Internet connection and you still rent Debonair and Fantasy magazines to wank off. And when you are done wanking off for 364 days of the year, the only other source of entertainment you have is to fly kites. An additional bonus being able to kill people at times by letting the manjha go haywire!

• Republic Day Parade: Of course, you must have met someone in your life who thought that the Republic Day parade happens on the 15th of August every year because that is our Independence Day. If not, then you’re yet to meet some of the most interesting people to ever walk on the face of the Earth.

• Holiday: Get drunk on the 14th of August with your office / college buddies and come home sloshed, take off your pants and your shirt and scratch your paunch before you go off to sleep. Wake up sweaty with a bad hangover and a splitting headache, go wash your face in the loo and come back scratching your balls and go back to sleep again. Most independent you will ever feel. 

• The Indian Flag: Do you know there are set rules on how to hoist the Indian Flag? There’s an actual Indian Flag Code which you can check out for yourself. If the government is going to expect the Indian citizens to go through a 26 page manual on the use of the Indian Flag, well, they’re expecting too much from the laziest country on the planet. 

• The Years: We always focus on the amazing number of years that we have been independent. Like we’ve achieved a lot in these so called ‘independent’ years. I mean, just for some perspective, there are actual people older than Independent India. Just saying. 

• Patriotism: Bhagat Singh. Sukhdev. Rajguru. That’s what the Indian freedom struggle is to the common man here. There used to be a bit of Gandhi in there, but, thanks Modi! Oh wait, did I not mention Jallianwala Bagh? A trip to Amritsar must be due. I owe this to my country. Sob sob.

• Independence Day (the movie): We live in a country where every English movie channel on TV ends up showing Independence Day. And we all know Independence Day. It is a movie about some aliens who’re trying to take over the world, apparently, but the great USofA comes to the rescue and saves the world from total annihilation. And coincidentally, the final blow is dealt on the 4th of July and that’s when the American President, quite confidently, declares it to be an Independence Day for the whole of mankind! Well…

What does Independence Day mean to you? I would love to know!

Days Like International Yoga Day

It’s a great feeling for the Indian in me when I see my country’s culture reaching the whole world through days like International Yoga Day. It gives me immense pleasure when Shri Narendra Modi Ji, Honourable Prime Minister of India, is on radio or TV or Facebook or Twitter or in Namibia or Cambodia or Kyrgyzstan talking about how proud he feels about being an Indian, finally. It’s almost orgasmic. I have a feeling that this is just the beginning of our country’s greatness being appreciated by the greatest of countries the world over and we should not let the momentum die. I suggest we should celebrate more such days like the International Yoga Day which celebrate the Indian culture at its best. We have 12 months and we should have a day each month to celebrate our awesomeness. Following are some suggestions:

International Shame A Woman Day
Be it raping her, molesting her, staring at her, hitting her, or simply disrespecting her; we need a day when men the world over have a day to themselves to treat their women like shit and shame them in both private and public.

International Litter Day
This is probably going to be a tough one for a lot of countries but they should experience the liberating feeling of littering wherever possible. There’s just one rule: You can’t litter in a dustbin or a designated place for trash. Let the games begin, you have 24 hours!

International Child Labour Day
Imagine instead of a ‘nanny’, parents world over start hiring a ‘poti’ to take care of their young ones. Wouldn’t it be a great feeling for them to go to a fancy restaurant with their noisy kids and a caretaker younger than the kid themselves, and while they and their kids eat, the caretaker sits on the side just cleaning up the mess the kids create!? They deserve this once a year!

International Dowry Day
The westerners have gotten it all wrong. They don’t know how to get married. What is a wedding, after all, without a bit of give and take? These modern, educated foreigners need a day on which if they get married, the groom gets gold worth 3 times more than his entire wealth.

International Public Urination Day
This is my favourite one. There is something wrong with the world if a self-righteous man can’t urinate in public without shame when he wants. It’s time for the West to get equal rights and a day when all the men walk around in public just peeing on the streets.

International Cow Worship Day
This makes so much sense. You’re praying to an animal that gives you milk and one of the tastiest meats ever. On this day, it should be made compulsory for each person to touch the feet of a cow before they eat their steak.

International Break a Rule Day
This one is more like a Mah Lyf Mah Rulz kind of a day. Who needs to stop at red lights? Who needs to pass an exam without cheating? Who needs to tell the truth about their last salary? You’re free to do what you want. You got a day. What will you do?

International Treat A Foreigner Like God Day
Who says God isn’t amongst us? Come to India and you will find white-skinned Gods walking all around us. Make us talk to one and you will quickly notice how we start licking their ass in an instant. Try it, even if just for a day.

International Kill Your Kin Day
Hey, so your Catholic daughter married a Protestant boy? Kill her. Or did your New York raised daughter married someone from Colorado? Kill him instead. Or did you just catch her meeting her boyfriend at 8 in the evening? Kill them both and bury them in Vegas.

International No Condom Day
Real men don’t need condoms. Hell yeah. Ask any Indian and he will proudly talk about how his below average sized penis does not need no rubber. One day across the world where every couple needs to have sex without a condom and ensure they have a baby in 9 months. Why should India be the only country procreating like rabbits?

International Give A Random Fuck Day
What would your father say? What would your neighbour think? What if your friend finds out? What if your tailor sees you? What if that beggar spots you there? WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK? Give a random fuck. Make some complete idiot’s day by spoiling yours. Try it once!

PS - It is a given that each of these days will be governed by the awe-inspiring, omnipresent days of all. The one and only. DRY DAY!

Ashamed To Be A Hindu

I just got done watching Rajkumar Hirani and Aamir Khan’s PK. This blog is not particularly ‘inspired’ by it, but yes, the film definitely instigated me into writing this blog today. Let me also make one thing very clear, I didn’t quite like the movie. In fact, other than bits of the end, it was quite a pain to sit through the whole film especially the scenes with Donald Duck in it. The movie in itself was quite ridiculous (like most other Raju Hirani films) but I’m glad it did some good towards the end.

Also, just for clarity, I know Hirani has made just about 4 films but I say ‘most’ when I talk about his films that I didn’t like because other than Lage Raho Munnabhai I haven’t quite liked any of his other movies. Munnabhai MBBS was a little lame to be honest, I saw 3 Idiots twice just to see what the fuss was about but I could never figure, and now PK has yet again been quite a disappointment. Despite this, I quite respect the man for a fact that his films try and show some good. It’s like there is a message in all his films which people could really learn from. This is especially true of Lage Raho, 3 Idiots, and even PK.

There are some more facts that I’d like to clear before I proceed. I don’t believe in any God or religion per se. I was born into a Hindu family and I still live with them and I live in a community where we celebrate all festivals irrespective of what religion they are from. I don’t pray to any one God or through any religious practice and I don’t go to any religious establishment for any religious reasons. I may visit a church for its mystique, a temple for its architecture, a mosque for my curiosity, or a Gurudwara for its halwa.

What PK has tried to show in the film is probably through good intentions but it failed at so many levels. Firstly, the movie is so fake that nothing in the film is believable. None of the characters make sense and the whole film feels like an intellectual Rohit Shetty flick. The humour was not the kind I like, which was the case for both 3 Idiots and Munnabhai MBBS as well. The Hindu bashing was quite senseless at times and apart from the good intentions of the film, everything else failed. In fact, one of the songs just took me back to the ‘Janae Nahi… Denge Tujhe…’ song from 3 Idiots and I was half expecting Rancho or a Chatur to come on screen and fart.

In spite of everything failing, I must give Mr. Hirani a standing ovation for at least trying to bridge some gap between Hindus and Muslims, that too from India and Pakistan respectively, towards the end. Towards the end we also see how the film is not about any one religion in particular, as some Hindus are saying it is anti-Hindu, but it is against the concept of this ‘God’ that we ourselves have created. This alien was not against the concept of ‘God’ that created us but rather the whore that we’ve created out of it during our evolution. But all Hindus across the world taking it so personally and asking for a ban on the film brings me to the real topic here that I wish to talk about, which is the title of the blog as well.

Today, I have to admit, in whatever capacity that I am a Hindu, I am ashamed to be one. I know I’m not a practicing Hindu, I know I don’t believe in God, I know I don’t go to temples, I know don’t pray to the Gods, so whatever little connection I have with Hinduism, it makes me feel stupid to be a part of it. After a point in life, after a certain age, I never needed religion to tell me that I needed to do good or be good. I know what’s right or wrong without fearing the consequences of what a God might do to me. I’m well aware that all my actions will have consequences and I take decisions based on reason. I don’t blame God when something goes wrong neither do I credit God for the good that happens. Majority of what happens in my life is because of what I do along with the support of my friends and family, blessings of my loved ones, some amount of luck, and lots and lots of hard work or the lack of it.

So when I see so many Hindus today becoming extremists in some way or the other, it just saddens me to the core. This was never the case till a few years back. At least not in the strata of society where I belong. Not with the circle of people that I used to hang out with. But it seems like the same people have been brainwashed somehow by a greater power and now all they do is try to defend their religion from an enemy that does not even exist. By constantly defending it against an invisible enemy, they’ve managed to create a real one out of it.

Once upon a time I used to go to temples, I used to pray every night, I used to fear God and not do bad. It was because back then I was a kid, I did not have the brain to make sense of a lot of practical things. I’m glad I had this upbringing where I learned about the religion and the culture, etc. I’m gladder that my parents gave me the option to chart my own course when I did grow up and started to have my own thoughts as an individual which define me today. It is out of that respect that I don’t mind sitting with my parents during any Puja at home or going to the temple with them. It is not forced upon me out of fear of a God. We all have our individual beliefs and we must learn to respect each other for that.

If I can respect that you need to go to your temple or mosque or church or Gurudwara, you must respect that I don’t need to go to any. Chuck that, this is much bigger than what I want or don’t want. Why is it that all of a sudden all Hindus in our country are uniting against a so called invasion by the Muslims? Why is it that Hindus today need to get defensive about each and every little non-Hindu thing that happens in our country? Why are Hindus today so blind to see that PK is merely a crappy film which simply utilises the most popular religion in our country and has not got a personal vendetta against Hinduism?

By this logic, Americans should sue all the disaster Hollywood films which showcase destruction of American cities because that’s all they do apparently in each of their films. Right? But that is only because it is an American film and they are shooting in America so it is easier to destroy that rather than coming to India and shooting here to destroy Delhi or recreating a Delhi in the US. Similarly, if an alien gets dropped off in India, it is but natural that if he starts noticing religion, what he is going to encounter most is Hinduism!

I know we were never a tolerant bunch and the Hindu-Muslim war will continue till eternity, but it seems to be getting worse by the day. Especially lately because of reasons that I’m sure everyone is aware of. I don’t want to be a part of a community that practices hate outside of their temples or mosques. I don’t want to be a part of a community which prays for peace yet wishes ill for people of other religion. I don’t wish to be a part of a community that is fake and gets defensive on the stupidest of topics.

Always remember, this country does not belong to Hindus or Muslims or whoever else. It belongs to each one of its citizens irrespective of their religion. The Hindu in Hindustan has nothing to do with Hinduism (at least I’d like to believe so) and the current sentiment is extremely negative even for a person like me who, maybe, at least technically, is a Hindu. There is much more to do in the world and to worry about in the world than bloody defend our religions against invisible enemies. Let’s fix ourselves first and then worry about fixing others.

I’m not trying to bash Hinduism here but rather the people who’re trying to widen the gap between Hindus and Muslims or any other religion for that matter. I don’t discriminate between religions, rather I hate and respect them all equally. I also recently realised that ‘deleting’ all religion from this planet will not help us in any way possible. We are humans and we are capable of finding excuses to kill each other any which way. So all you atheists out there who are spending their lives’ worth in trying to destroy religion from this planet, please give up, it is a worthless exercise. If you think it’s religion today that’s killing us all, tomorrow it may be something else. The problem is with us and nothing else.

The sooner we realise, the better.