Bollywood’s Six Pack Abs Obsession

Kai Po Che was a hugely depressing movie for me. Not that the film was depressing as such, other than the fact that it brought to screen yet another mediocre Chetan Bhagat novel, but because, you know, it made me feel fat. It made me feel fatter than Adnan Sami must’ve ever felt in his heydays. When he didn’t have any girl issues I guess. Anybody else notice how he lost all his weight as soon as his wife started giving him trouble? Ahh, women you see.

Har kamzor aadmi ke peechhe ek pehelwan ladki ka haath hota hai. You know, not in his anus, but morally speaking.

Back to the point where I was feeling as fat as a Sumo wrestler. And an obese one at that. Obese even among Sumo wrestlers. Even other Sumo wrestlers would ask me to lose weight. THAT FAT, YES. I’ll tell you all about it. I’ll tell you how.

First I want to know. How many of you actually have a 6 pack hidden inside that t-shirt, shirt, top, bra, baniyan or whatever it is that you’re wearing right now? There might be a few of you out there actually flaunting those biscuits (those abs do look like biscuits, right?). Well, I got biscuits of my own, and they’re in my kitchen thank you. I don’t like to carry them around hidden inside my shirt, okay?

Anyway, my only question to the world is this; how the hell does a gaonwala kid from a tier 3 town in Gujarat, where they don’t even sell alcohol so why do they need a gym in the first place, has perfectly oiled and chiselled 6-pack abs along with perfect biceps, triceps, quadriceps (dayum, this term actually exists)? Add to that a perfect jawline, great hair, an ass almost as cute as Brad Pitt’s, and probably a penis bigger than Tommy Lee’s. And to top it off, there were 2 suck specimen in the movie. Can you believe that? There were 2 Greek Gods in 1 movie. Not since Troy came out has the cinematic world experienced such madness. Although the second one’s face did look a little retarded. But hey, he had his body to compensate for the idiotic expression God gave him on his face.

But in what world does this happen? Boss, sorry, not in mine. Not saying there are only mooby men with beer bellies and long underarm hair in my world. There are those too. Probably comprising the majority. Sadly, including me too. But then I also know boys, not the little ones who I DON’T TOUCH, but the ones who’re a little more disciplined in life than average joes like me, or are simply from an Army background with strict fathers who’ d insert their walking sticks in their kid’s behind if he didn’t run 2 marathons on a daily basis. India hai boss, idhar sab chalta hai. But in spite of spending half their lives running or swimming or masturbating, most of these guys don’t have that perfect body like it’s just been carved out by Michelangelo or Da Vinci or Bahadur or whoever the heck was that famous sculptor.

Being fit and being Godly; there used to be a difference. But oh my dear Bollywood, thanks for making us fit people feel like ugly obese men in front of your ‘boy-next-door’ dudes walking around topless with an 8-pack each. Thanks, but no thanks.

What started off as a trend way back in the 60’s when Salman Khan took off his shirt in Oh Oh Jaane Jaana, my father still loves that evergreen love story by the way, is now a trend no more. It’s a norm. From the golden oldies of yesteryear like Salman, Shahrukh, Aamir, Ajay, and even the once girly Saif; to the kids of today who were probably born with a 6-pack like Shahid Gapoor, Ranbir Kapoor, Emraan Hashmi, Sonakshi Sinha, Ranveer Singh, and blah and blah and blah. Name an actor today, and I shit you not that guy will have a 6-pack.

Desi actors: Stealing the attention away from beer, since 1995.

Now reality as per Bollywood is having the perfect body. Gone are the days of Guddi Maruti. Not like I had the hots for her and wanted to do her and bang that Maruti real hard, but just saying, you know. Sadly, reality is imitating art now. I know how many of you now go to the gym to seek that perfect body like Hrithik and somehow grow that extra thumb and that extra ball that he has. I know everything.

So here’s hoping we all get that 6-pack we be dreaming of, girls and boys alike. So that we’re all equally ugly. I need to head out. Need to go register for the gym. I’ll be back. With a 6-pack all over my body. My abs, my face, my arms, my legs, heck, I’ll ensure even my penis has a tiny little 6-pack of its own. Cheers!