Friday, 29 November 2013

14 Ways To Apologise

There are plenty of ways in which we apologise after knowingly or unknowingly hurting someone, screwing up, spilling coffee, or Tweeting shit. Some take the orthodox route but some really show their creativity in doing so. Here are 13 different ways in which people can apologise:
  1. Sacrifice a Horse: In ancient culture, this was a pretty common practice. Nowadays, a little less common, but still very effective. I don’t think any man would be pissed off at his woman if she hunts a horse and presents its head to her man.

  2. Do the Chicken Dance: Nobody looks more idiotic than a person doing the chicken dance. It is the ultimate public torture which has no equals whatsoever. Give up and agree to do the dance to wash away all your sins.

  3. Comb Anil Kapoor's Hair: It is known to have killed many a men. Plenty women have disappeared, too. Scores are required each morning to comb Anil Kapoor’s body hair as he walks out of the bath. Only the bravest take up this challenge. Do it and you shall be forgiven.

  4. Walk Like an Egyptian: This popular song celebrates the ancient Egyptian torture of walking like an Egyptian. Although, no known Egyptian is known to have ever walked like this out of will. Three rounds of walking like an Egyptian in your colony in full public view is what your friends need when they catch you stealing their money.
    Walk Like an Egyptian—The Bangles (1986)
  5. Dress Like Govinda: He has embarrassed himself, his family and his colleagues from the Indian Film Industry all his life. It’s time to embarrass yourself if you have wronged someone. Dress like him and show the world that you suffer too.
    Jodi of the 90s - Chichi and Lolo - Govinda n Karisma
  6. Don't Pee/Shit for a Day: No human is capable enough of holding one’s own pee or shit inside his/her body for so long. Either dirty your pants, or don’t go to the loo at all for a day. Either way, repent for your wrongdoings!

  7. Sleep with Rakhi Sawant: It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, if you can survive a night with Rakhi Sawant, you will be forgiven for even the gravest of crimes!

  8. Eat Vegetarian Food: Tinda. Tori. Kaddu. Karela. Baingan. Lauki. Gheeya. Tori. Kaddu. Karela. Eat all this. Cry.

  9. Say You’re Sorry and Mean It: The most difficult out of the lot. Most people don’t take this route for obvious reasons. But if you do get the courage to do so, I’d say, go ahead with it, it’s the best way to ask for forgiveness, and the result is always positive. Try it.
  10. Sleep with Laloo Prasad Yadav: Just imagine doing it. Just imagine. That should be enough. Just imagine nibbling on his ear. Oh the flow of his hair growing from inside his ears. If you can imagine this and not puke, you’re not all bad.

  11. Act with Sonam Kapoor: She could’ve played the role of dead Satish Shah in Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro beautifully. Now try and spend 3 hours on the big screen in front of a candle. Talk to the candle. Kiss the candle. Make love to the candle. People WILL pity you.

  12. Take a dip in the Holy Ganges: There’s muck and shit and piss and puke all over, around and in it. There are dead bodies and ashes to give your company. How about men and women and children bathing and washing clothes? After all this is done, take a dip in the water. Oh now I understand why you’re washed away off all your sins. Hmmm.

  13. Be Kamaal R Khan: You’re a guy with no life, no friends, no work, no job, no girls, no skills, no talent, no looks, no creativity, no class, no respect, no standing, no popularity. You’re Kamaal R Khan. You’re forgiven.

  14. Watch an Imtiaz Ali film starring Shahid Kapoor: This is my personal favourite. If I have sinned, if I need to punish myself, I will watch an Imtiaz Ali film. If I have to make it worse for me, I will watch an Imtiaz Ali film starring Shahid Kapoor. Forgive me please?

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