An Open Letter To Ted Mosby

Dear Daddy,

We’re writing to you today because we’ve had enough. We’ve been sitting on this couch for about 8 years now and we’ve got blisters on our butts. Our lower bodies are completely paralysed since we have not been able to get up from this place since you started to tell us the story of how you met our mother. Frankly, we don’t want to know anymore.

What once started as a very entertaining story with your cool friends and some hot women, it has now become a mind-numbing tale of your stupidity and your stupidity alone. Back in the day we actually preferred listening to your saga rather than watch FRIENDS reruns. Now we just sit here in the hope that you will finish telling us the story of how you met our hugely ordinary looking mother before we passed away for good. We’re trying to stay strong and not give up since we’ve come this far but it’s getting tougher and tougher.

Oh, by the way, where has she been all these years? We’ve been sitting in the living room for so long that we’ve actually forgotten about her. Has she died? Or has she run away with uncle Marshall? Or maybe she is doing Ranjit in his cab?

Our mother is not hot. Since the first day we’ve been wondering, why would you bother telling us a story about a woman who is as ordinary as our maid? She is a wonderful woman, no doubt, but had she been slightly hotter, it would’ve still been a little more tolerable. Unless your wife, and our so called mother, is not our real mother, and that the real mother is someone else, this story is lame.

The only two tolerable people in your story are Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney. Robin is hot and Barney is funny. Why couldn’t you and mom be a little more like them? We wish we were their kids. Yeah, we said it. It hurts, right? Sitting here listening to your sob story of how you DID NOT meet our mother also hurts us. We’ve wasted 8 years of our lives listening to this crap. We skipped school, we have exercised, we’ve become bed-ridden for life and now you expect us to let you continue with this bullshit?

We’re sorry but we won’t let that happen. We’ve called for child services and they will come pick us up anytime now and the cops are going to bust your ass for this cruelty to little kids. We hope you rot in prison for the rest of your life for telling us a never ending story which was not even funny or entertaining after about 5 years. We want our lives back, dad. We want our childhood back. We want to be like normal kids playing outside on swings. We don’t want to be caged in a living room anymore and listen to a vicious father’s story of how stupid he has always been.

You’re a loser dad. We hope you drop the soap in prison.

With much hatred and disappointment,

Your ‘scarred-for-life’ kids