Tu To Mera Bhai Hai

If you’ve ever been drunk or been around a drunk then I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “Tu to mera bhai hai!” This phrase is commonly used when a person is intoxicated and is in the company of humans, dogs, chairs or mice. Any living or non-living thing becomes the most beloved in front of a drunk who’s full of love. But then there are the depressed drunks too. And equally menacing, the frustrated drunk.

Why does the common Indian man drink? Is he a connoisseur? No, he probably cannot spell it or even pronounce it correctly. Does he like the taste? Probably not, since he makes that weird face after every big gulp of the 8 PM whisky that goes down his throat. Is it a cultural thing? Definitely not, in a religious country like India drinking is more or less considered to be sin. Although that does not deter even the most pious of followers who duly spill a cap full of Old Monk on the floor and dedicate it to Bhole Nath.

The extremely average Indian man drinks to get drunk. That is the one and the only reason why he heads to the ‘theka’ after a hard day’s work and buys his favourite Green Label (not Johnny Walker, but Gilbey’s) and heads home to a drunky night before he snores away to glory. And then there are the more sophisticated ones who go to their favourite ‘watering holes’ and bathe in Mojitos and LIITs till they’re drunk enough to be talking to random women at the bar. Or aggressive enough to be driving over the poor sleeping on pedestrians on Marine Drive or Ring Road.

“Bhai 17 pack peene ke baad bhi main seedha khada tha banjo!”

“Saale kabhi hamare saath baith ke piyo, hum sikhayenge kaise karte hain hold the drink.”

“Dude I know this guy who’s like this tanker man. I mean I shit you not but he drank 11 bottles of beers in front of me and he was still fine.”

We’re a proud lot. We might not be proud about a baby girl being born or the fact that we have one of the richest cultures in the world but we sure talk with pride when it comes to the amount of booze we can have before we pass out and sleep in our own puke. We’ll go on binges of the likes never even seen in Scotland or Holland. We’ll put to shame the biggest drunks of Ireland and smooth-talking-vodka-drinking Russian ‘Zaars’. From Mallus to Punjabis to Bengalis to Marathis; we’ve all got stories of those few good men who drink like there’s no tomorrow but still manage to wake up solid as ever. And if rumours are to be believed, Gujarat, a dry state, consumes the maximum about of liquor in this country. It won’t be too surprising if this statistic is true.

Sadly, for the common Indian drunk, this specific culture is not particularly embraced by the common public here. In lands outside of India they drink wine when they eat, they consider scotch to be a religion, cops drop the drunks to their home safely and women probably don’t get raped all the time by tipsy men. The situation in India is quite the opposite. Drunks here are a nuisance. Drunks here are ‘over-friendly’ to the extent that they molest women to show their love. Drunks here are looked down upon even if they are good drunks and become happy high after a few drinks. Drunks are not welcome here.

Our philosophy is simple. We drink to get high. We love to get drunk. We feel that it’s a waste if we drink and not feel out of our senses. That’s what our real thoughts are when it comes to drinking. And for some reason we’re quite cool with it and don’t see any reason to change.

We, the average Indian drunks, don’t want to grow up. Even 10 years from now we want to pee in our pants, drunk dial, get in car crashes, hump street dogs, and wake up with no memory of the previous night whatsoever. That’s who we are. And that’s who we will be. Always. Proud.

I’m getting a little high as I end this here so all I’d like to say is “Tu to mera bhai hai.”

Blame It All On The Woman

Women are supposed to be women.

Firstly, if you find out through a scan that you’re having a girl, get it aborted. In case a girl is born, just drop her in a drum of milk and let her die in peace. If you can’t kill her then, let her grow up and ask her to wear a nice black dress and go to Gurgaon after 8. She’ll get raped AND killed. If she doesn’t die, get her married to a Jain. Or a Marwari. Or any orthodox Indian man actually. Don’t give a dowry. They’ll burn her in the kitchen and say it was an accident. In case that doesn’t happen, in the hope that she would produce more sons for the family, ensure that she delivers a girl child. Either they’ll bribe the doctor to get her killed during childbirth or else keep blaming her for the rest of her life till she commits suicide. A woman is not supposed to live in this country. Even if she is allowed to live, she can’t stay happy. Those are the rules. Either accept them or you better end this miserable life of yours.

Who ever gave women the right to be born in the first place? This country does not need any women. All it needs is strong and power hungry men who will fight each other for the smallest of things and feel good about themselves. Women have no right to be educated. All they need to learn is to how to cook food, keep the house clean, pleasure their men and breastfeed their kids among various other random activities. Women shouldn’t work. Women shouldn’t wear modern clothes or go out drinking. Heck they shouldn’t even be allowed to drink unless their drunk husbands force some desi liquor down their throats just to satisfy their own wild fantasies. Women can’t go eat good food outside, or eat from a fresh clean plate. All they need is some leftover crap which they eat from the used plates of their men. Forget about a sweet dish or a cold drink. That’s what men consume. Women only cook and serve. That’s what God made them for. That’s all they need to know.

Men are animals. And it’s a good thing. It’s just the natural order of things. Women are the prey and we are the hunters. If a woman is walking on the road at night, any man has full right to rape her then and there in full public view. He does not do it too often during the daytime, not because he is scared, but because there’s no ‘feel’ of having sex with the lights turned on. So they prefer to abduct them inside a car if they find a good one during daytime. It’s comparatively darker inside a car and there’s natural stimulation thanks to the potholes. Women are NOT supposed to travel or anything. They just need to step out of the house only when necessary. For example, when the groceries need to be bought, or milk or bread. And the shops should not be more than a km away. They should avoid talking to other random men as much as possible and come back home directly without even looking at anyone else.

If men see a pair of boobs it is their birthright to go and press them for amusement. That is what boobs are for primarily. Only when women have babies do boobs have any other purpose. Although, men again have full authority to drink human milk in those days and let the kid cry of hunger. Man does what pleases him. That’s the law that is followed in this country. Be warned.

This is not it. There’s more but I don’t want to gross anyone out even further. Or get into much crueller details and scenarios. I have proven my point.

Now tell me, why in God’s name would I want to have a girl child in this kind of an environment? When we live in a world like this, why would you want to spoil another human’s life? Why would you endanger your daughter’s life (and izzat) by bringing her into this hellhole of a world? I wouldn’t. Fix the mess, then talk. Till then, let me fight the system till I can. Let me fight for women’s rights. My sexist jokes will one day bring justice to all you women out there. And that’s a man’s promise. Yeah, because man always fulfils his promise.

Bitch, please. If you don’t get it. Get a life.