Tu To Mera Bhai Hai

If you’ve ever been drunk or been around a drunk then I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “Tu to mera bhai hai!” This phrase is commonly used when a person is intoxicated and is in the company of humans, dogs, chairs or mice. Any living or non-living thing becomes the most beloved in front of a drunk who’s full of love. But then there are the depressed drunks too. And equally menacing, the frustrated drunk.

Why does the common Indian man drink? Is he a connoisseur? No, he probably cannot spell it or even pronounce it correctly. Does he like the taste? Probably not, since he makes that weird face after every big gulp of the 8 PM whisky that goes down his throat. Is it a cultural thing? Definitely not, in a religious country like India drinking is more or less considered to be sin. Although that does not deter even the most pious of followers who duly spill a cap full of Old Monk on the floor and dedicate it to Bhole Nath.

The extremely average Indian man drinks to get drunk. That is the one and the only reason why he heads to the ‘theka’ after a hard day’s work and buys his favourite Green Label (not Johnny Walker, but Gilbey’s) and heads home to a drunky night before he snores away to glory. And then there are the more sophisticated ones who go to their favourite ‘watering holes’ and bathe in Mojitos and LIITs till they’re drunk enough to be talking to random women at the bar. Or aggressive enough to be driving over the poor sleeping on pedestrians on Marine Drive or Ring Road.

“Bhai 17 pack peene ke baad bhi main seedha khada tha banjo!”

“Saale kabhi hamare saath baith ke piyo, hum sikhayenge kaise karte hain hold the drink.”

“Dude I know this guy who’s like this tanker man. I mean I shit you not but he drank 11 bottles of beers in front of me and he was still fine.”

We’re a proud lot. We might not be proud about a baby girl being born or the fact that we have one of the richest cultures in the world but we sure talk with pride when it comes to the amount of booze we can have before we pass out and sleep in our own puke. We’ll go on binges of the likes never even seen in Scotland or Holland. We’ll put to shame the biggest drunks of Ireland and smooth-talking-vodka-drinking Russian ‘Zaars’. From Mallus to Punjabis to Bengalis to Marathis; we’ve all got stories of those few good men who drink like there’s no tomorrow but still manage to wake up solid as ever. And if rumours are to be believed, Gujarat, a dry state, consumes the maximum about of liquor in this country. It won’t be too surprising if this statistic is true.

Sadly, for the common Indian drunk, this specific culture is not particularly embraced by the common public here. In lands outside of India they drink wine when they eat, they consider scotch to be a religion, cops drop the drunks to their home safely and women probably don’t get raped all the time by tipsy men. The situation in India is quite the opposite. Drunks here are a nuisance. Drunks here are ‘over-friendly’ to the extent that they molest women to show their love. Drunks here are looked down upon even if they are good drunks and become happy high after a few drinks. Drunks are not welcome here.

Our philosophy is simple. We drink to get high. We love to get drunk. We feel that it’s a waste if we drink and not feel out of our senses. That’s what our real thoughts are when it comes to drinking. And for some reason we’re quite cool with it and don’t see any reason to change.

We, the average Indian drunks, don’t want to grow up. Even 10 years from now we want to pee in our pants, drunk dial, get in car crashes, hump street dogs, and wake up with no memory of the previous night whatsoever. That’s who we are. And that’s who we will be. Always. Proud.

I’m getting a little high as I end this here so all I’d like to say is “Tu to mera bhai hai.”