Saturday, 2 February 2013

Cloudy With A Chance Of Nightfall

Do you know who the real Indian heroes are? No it’s not the Army men or the guys at RAW. Neither is it the door-breaking Daya from CID nor the blessed guy who delivers booze to your doorstep. Although, I must admit, the real Indian heroes can’t yet match up to the Domino’s delivery boys who deliver pizza at the speed of light, all they need is a cape and I shit you not we’ll have our first real Indian superhero! Anyway, it might sound a little fantasy-ish when I tell who the real Indian heroes are. And when I say fantasy-ish, I mean LOTR and Harry Potter will seem like a silent fart in front of a heavenly dump. But what I’m about to tell you now is true. Truer than Santa Claus, truer than Manmohan Singh’s voice and truer than a Tweleb’s ‘happening’ life.

The real Indian heroes are the valiant, brave, intelligent and old men working at the Indian Meteorological Department. Shocking, right? Just think about it. What can be tougher than NOT PREDICTING THE WEATHER, EVER!? Forget predicting it right or wrong, it’s easy to make mistakes, but imagine how difficult it must be to not even give yourself a chance to make mistakes. These brilliant guys’ work is to tell us, the public, what we already know! I mean, I don’t think I have the courage to tell someone something they already know. I don’t think I can ever go up to a homosexual man and tell him “Hey dude, you’re gay. And you know what? You’re going to stay gay even tomorrow!” No sir, no can do. I might be able to fight off a King Cobra blindfolded but this is something only men with at least 3 balls can do. Or the female equivalent of that: women with 3 breasts.

These men have been in ‘service to the nation’ since 1875. I mean Gandhi could only serve the country for what? About 50 years? I fail to understand why we still have Gandhi on the Indian currency notes and not the Indian Met Department working hard to tell us that is raining while we are already getting wet. Without these prodigies our lives would be mundane. I’ll tell you how. Imagine a hot and sunny June afternoon, you’re out roaming around with your friends, sweating and stinking just trying not to die of the heat wave. The usual, right? Now all of a sudden it starts raining! You never expected that to happen, did you? Had the weather department told you about it a day back, this sudden ejaculation from the sky wouldn’t have surprised you much. But once this orgasm has actually happened, our Met Department would not fail to tell you the next day that “Hey it rained and it will probably stay cloudy with a chance of nightfall.”

Here’s saluting the real national heroes of India. May you survive for another 1875 years and not tell us what to expect off the weather tomorrow. Jai Hind.

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