Being Jelly

There are only 2 kinds of dictionaries in the world. The Urban Dictionary and the not-so-urban dictionary. According to the latter, here’s what jelly means:

But who really refers to an actual dictionary nowadays? I’m sure nobody walks around with a pocket edition of the Oxford Dictionary like we used to back in the ‘90s. And we hardly bother looking up for terms we don't understand on our mobile phones either. But we don’t waste a minute before searching for our own name on the super cool Urban Dictionary. And according to that, here’s what jelly really means:

Oh btw, before I proceed with the blog, here’s what my name means on Urban Dictionary:

I'm cool, in a unique sense. I can work with that. But wait, there's more:

Now I'm the ultimate cool person. And I am also a unique creation of God! Haha, but this is my favourite one: 

I AM A SEXY BEAST WHO GETS GIRLS WITH A WINK!
I have a cool toothbrush? (I don't know what this is about)
AND GIRLS BE LIKE: "OMG RACHIT IS HERE CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH"
AND BOYS BE LIKE: "DAMN RACHIT IS HERE HOW'LL WE GET ANY CHICKS NOW!"

PS - I haven't written any of these myself neither have I paid vanessa_i or dart vader or ThisOneGuyYouKnow to write all of this. I guess it's just in the name. But I wish I was more like the 3rd definition mentioned here. I'm probably the exact opposite of it. But more on that some other time. I will come back with a blog on my social skills and how big a 'player' I am when it comes to talking to girls. I'll now get back to the topic of Being Jelly.

I don't know what being gelatin means, BECAUSE I AM HINDU AND I CAN'T KNOW ABOUT COW AND PIG. But I do know what being jelly means. I'm sure you do too. Everybody does. We're all khokhla people who can never be even remotely satisfied with what we have (Are Gujaratis Dhokla people?). Even if a guy gets an Angelina Jolie with 3 titties or a girl gets a Brad Pitt with a 6-pack on his penis, they won't be satisfied. Once they are done with them or once they see someone else with someone / something better, like a 4 titted Angelina Jolie or a 12-pack penised Brad Pitt, they'll start feeling jelly and get unhappy with what they have. It goes on and on and on and it never ends. It's a vicious circle.

For those who don't know what a vicious circle means, this diagram should show you exactly what it means:

This is exactly what a vicious circle looks like. When you pee to take the water out of your body and then you drink water so that you can pee. It never ends. 

The same hold true for jealousy between humans. We're almost always feeling jealous of someone else for some reason or the other. It is usually not the same person that we are jealous of at all times. The moment we match or get better than the person we were jealous of, we find someone else to be even more jealous of. This cycle of unhappiness continues all our lives. Here's how it happens through the life-cycle of any human being on Earth:

6 years old
You're jealous of a kid who has a cycle
You get a cycle
Now you're jealous of a kid who has a cycle with gears

12 years old
You're jealous of a kid who just went to Singapore for summer holidays
You go to Singapore for summer holidays
Now you're jealous of a kid who went to Switzerland for summer holidays (and got molested buying chocolates from a stranger)

18 years old
You're jealous of a friend who is having sex
You start having sex
Now you're jealous of a friend who is having sex with multiple partners. At the same time even. In different positions. With whips and stones. Without breaking any bones.

30 years old
You're jealous of a colleague who earns more than you
You start earning more than that particular colleague
Now you're jealous of a kid who just became a millionaire with a new start up which does something stupid yet it works and the kid sells it for a lot of money and runs away to Goa

45 years old
You're jealous of how a friend who owns a house, a BMW, a pretty wife, and 2 beautiful kids
You buy a house, a BMW, get married, have 2 kids
Now you're jealous of a guy who owns a house and a BMW

75 years old
You're jealous of a guy who is having sex
You're not having sex. You can't have sex. You are too old now.
You are jealous of your grandson now as well who can at least play with himself

90 years old
You're jealous of a man who's dead rather than sick
You become so sick that you also die
You're jealous that you're not in heaven

As you can see from the heavily researched results above, there is no end to Being Jelly in our lives. We'll always be jelly even after we die. It is how we are wired and programmed. No matter what we achieve, no matter where we reach, no matter what we have, we will always find someone better than us to feel jealous of. The sooner you realise this fact of life, the happier you will be.

Unless you become Dalai Lama. I'm sure he is not jealous of anyone or anything. I'm so jelly of him right now. He's sitting on Twitter giving out gyaan to an audience of almost 10 million people and when I do the same to my 700 odd followers, they unfollow me and some even report my account.

So if there is anyone in this world who has broken out of this vicious circle, show yourself now. I am looking for you. And you know why. I need someone new now to be jelly of.