My Penis is Circumcised And I’m Not A Terrorist

Yes, it is. No, I’m not.  

How or why you may ask? Tarantino did it with a sword. Watch the video here.

No, he didn’t. So how the hell is this possible? A person who is circumcised and still not a terrorist? Oh, ya, I’m not Muslim. But that doesn’t cut it though, does it? No pun intended. Not all Muslims are terrorists. I know 3 Muslims who are not terrorists. But I know just 3 Muslims. So that means, 100% of Muslims are not terrorists? Hallelujah! And I’m not Jewish either. Then why the hell am I circumcised? Did I get it done by mistake? Was I born like this? Or did someone bite it off? Why? Why? Why? I needed an answer and I had the talk with my parents a few years back about this. It was one of those talks when your parents tell you that you’re adopted.

“Child, come here. Sit. We love you. We will always love you. No matter what. We love you like you’re ours.”

“What do you mean ‘like’ I’m yours. Am I not yours?”

“Oh of course of course!”

Well, I had an incident when I was a kid.

Once upon a time, when I was 6 years old, I went to the loo to take a leak. Back then it was called susu karna when you would just stand and dance around and dirty the whole pot and feel so happy about it singing la la la la la. And there were times when I didn’t wear underwear under my wear. I guess I never paid heed to the word ‘underwear’. What it actually meant. Till that fateful day! So wearing a pair of shorts with a zipper without an underwear underneath, is not a very good idea. Alas, I did not know this back then. I would feel cool that my ding dong was just a zip away and I could pee whenever and wherever I wanted to. On the street, while playing cricket, while playing football, while playing badminton, while playing pakdam pakdai, while playing kho kho, while playing ghar ghar (yes I did play ghar ghar and I always used to name myself Ravi for some reason). I would just say “Yaar susu karke ata hu.” and would go away to a corner or a wall or a car or a tree, open up my zipper and let the fluids out and come back within 45 seconds. So one day, as I pulled down my zipper… You know the story after this, don’t you? I’m sure all guys have had an incident like this once in their lives. If not, then either you do not have a wee wee or you are lying. But if you genuinely don’t know what happened next, go watch the first 15 minutes of There’s Something About Mary and then continue with the blog.

Well, the above incident was not the reason either. Sorry for confusing you all. But a slightly milder version of what happened to Ben Stiller happened to me, but no big deal. I’m circumcised because there was some issue with my organ when I was about 5 years old so my parents decided to get me operated upon and get it fixed. With Allah’s kripa, all is well and the rocket in my pocket goes off perfectly fine. Way too often though, at times.

Well, I think you have read enough about my penis. Let me get to the real point of this blog now. You know what it means for me with the current state of my wand? If and when there are any Hindu-Muslim riots in the country, I shall be slaughtered this way or that. The Hindus will burn me alive if I show them my dick (but why would I do that?). And the Muslims will chop me up if they ask my name (will they even bother?). Imagine you’re walking on the street and you see this gang of orange men coming towards you and you’re like “Hey duuuuudesss, check out my shlong!!” and they’d be like jala do saale ko. Or, you’re eating kababs and a bunch of capped men come and say “Dear sir, what is your kind name? We need to know before we show you something.” And with excitement you tell them your name and they take out their little friends and shoot! I think it’s possible in a country like ours.

In India, people don’t believe in right or wrong. They believe in name, caste, culture, religion, state, origin, language, and all other things that don’t particularly matter. Other things they believe in include dowry, rapes, injustice, corruption, ‘bad boyz attitude’, ‘v dNt fOLLow no RuLZ’ attitude, and lot’s more. I mean, we live in a country where it is believed that you can wash away all your sins by taking a dip in a sewer. Imagine that!  It’ll be so convenient!

“Hey, let me just go out and kill a few men. And I’ll quickly jump into that sewer to undo everything I’ve done! Woo fucking hoo!”

Also, to not single out the sewer, people also believe that they’re fighting God’s war!

“I must kill men and oppress women to please my God as he was as evil as me. I must also marry 29 women and have 290 kids each.”

In an evil country like this, what can me and my little friend do? I and he try to spread the seed of happiness wherever possible. Him not so much, but I do my best. But it seems it is only getting worse. Someone told me yesterday that the buffalo that was killed at the Surat airport was actually a tanned cow and it was a ploy against the ruling government. I mean, what would be a tanned cow doing in a state like Gujarat, you tell me! Wouldn’t she be chilling on the beaches of Goa sipping some beer giving some milk and making White Russians below her belly?

For those who got excited reading the last part, this blog is definitely not for you! Please stop and get yourself checked.

Ab aise zamane mei mera wo hi meri budhape ki laathi banega. I’m sure it won’t be too much of a laathi when I’m old but I’m hoping for the best while I’ll be groping for the breast. If you know what I mean.

So this was my tribute to Shahrukh Khan’s classic dialogue My Name Is Khan And I’m Not A Terrorist. As if you didn’t know that already. More on me and my penis, next time!