8 Ways To Become A Millionaire

Allah ke naam pe de do baba is not something I’ve ever said to a random person. I might say this to a Fraudi Baba who promises to increase the length of my tiny penis; a penis so tiny that even an Asian penis looks like a Black penis in front of it.  But other than that I’m not particularly poor when it comes to money. At least not so poor that I sell crack behind railway stations in the hope of one day meeting Fardeen Khan who then would cast me in his comeback film which would have a 3D rendition of his late father, Clint Eastwood.

I’m not particularly rich either. Forget a crorepati, I’m not even a lakhpati. Heck I’m not even a pati yet. Problem is till one does not get that ‘lakh’ or ‘crore’ you can’t really get a pati or become one in today’s world. Hence my pursuit to become a millionaire has now begun and I’ve figured out 8 of the most interesting ways to become one. Do read:

1. Marry a rich boy/girl: This is probably the easiest of them all. If you’re a boy, go watch Hungama and see how to patao a rich girl who’s the daughter of an industrialist of the likes of Radhe Shyam Tiwari. If you’re a girl, well, you don’t need to do much. Probably just show your armpits, even if they’re all sweaty and hairy, in a sensuous way and the rich dumb boy will be bowled over by your beauty. Or if you can, simply bowl him over by your booty.
   
   
2. Work Hard: This is the most boring and the least interesting way out of the lot. I mean, who in their right minds would want to struggle and work hard and show sincerity while at work? Ain’t nobody got time fo dat.
   
   
3. Write a book: Can you read this? If yes, you can probably write as well. And by writing I mean basic English language evn iF u rYt lYk DiS. Go ahead and write a book on your life, your dog’s life, your nostril’s life or a prose on the poop your dog left on the porch a week back which you forgot to pick up. If Chetan Bhagat can, so can you.
   
   
4. Rob a bank: There are about 30 odd states in this country. And each city in those states has got a bank of its own. And all these lame banks have tiny branches in big cities. And each of these tiny branches has that old rickety security guard who carries around that big dunalli (double barrel rifle) which is heavier than him. The next time he takes a break to take his Insulin shot for his Diabetes and a steroid shot for his asthma; take over the bank in the hope that they have more than a few thousand bucks stored there.
   
   
5. Save up: This is probably the hardest of the lot but it’ll surely work. Study hard all your life, get a decent job, stay single and live on the streets. Make do with the bare minimum like just have an apple a day (avoids doctor’s fees as well), drink water off a cow’s behind, sleep under the innumerable flyovers in Delhi/Mumbai alike and just keep saving money in your sole bank account till you save enough to call yourself a millionaire. Once you do get there, go to Goa and spend it all. Repeat cycle.
   
   
6. Kidnap a rich man’s child: This requires some planning but if it’s thought out well you may become a millionaire overnight. Watch the Fardeen Khan starrer Love Ke Liye Kuch Bhi Karega, enjoy Johnny Lever’s epic role, and forget the rest. It’ll show you everything you DON’T need to do. Khiladi on the other hand could provide with some real inspiration. No wonder one of the actors in it is called Deepak ‘Tijori’. Don’t kidnap a wife though; they might never answer your call.
   
   
7. Be born rich: If you’ve reached this point, you were probably not born a millionaire. So the next best thing you CAN do is to study real hard and become a scientist. Not the song. But an actual one. Figure out a way to plan your next birth. I’d suggest go for a C-sec in any posh hospital in South Delhi or South Bombay. Chances are, you’ll be born into a millionaire family by default. Cool, innit?
   
   
8. Become a ‘Millionhair’ instead: This idea has been inspired by the greatest Indian ever born, none other than, the one and only, Anil Kapoor. Who cares if he is actually a millionaire. If you’re got a million hair on your knuckles, I’m pretty sure there are a billion inside your nose and a trillion under your arms. The head is a combination of all and the chest is the multiplication. I wouldn’t dare talk about Anil Ji’s balls in public like this but I’m sure you can imagine how hairy his pubic area must be.

So which one do you think is the best way to get rich? I feel it’s number 8. Do share your views in the comments section. Good luck!