Interview With Mark Juckerberg

I was travelling in the metro the other day and going towards Gurgaon. I had a nice deal in hand where I could drink as much liquor as I wanted for just 400 bucks. I had my whole clan of about 30 friends with me and we had booked a full bogey in advance. Playing Antakshari and eating Aloo Poori during the long and tiring journey from Mayur Vihar to Gurgaon, we chanced upon an intruder trying to enter our pre-reserved bogey.

The man was happily listening to some music and wearing Bermuda Shorts with a Sando Baniyan. He had hair under his arms which were even longer than the hair on his head. And the most surprising feature of him was his skin and hair colour. His skin was white like Tide and his hair was yellow like piss. He was definitely a firangi. Owing to our attraction towards the Gori Chamdi we let him enter and even gave him a seat and a Khasta Kachaudi to eat.

Me: “Hey man. Who are you and where are you from?”

I said to him. He did not reply.

Me: “Haha lagta hai ganvaar ko angreji nahi aati.”

I said mocking him, and we all erupted in laughter and it was so loud that we broke one of the windows. This startled the man in the shorts and vest and he took off his headphones and shut his lappy.

Him: “Hey. Thanks for the food. Do you think if a hen eats Tandoori Chicken, it will be cannibalism?”

Me: “Wow. You can speak good English. Who are you?”

Him: “I am Mark Juckerberg. I am The Facebook. Oops, I mean Facebook. Sorry Sean.”

Me: “WOW! You mean to say it is because of you, I have these 29 friends with me?”

Mark Juckerberg: “Uhm. Yeah, I guess. I miss Orkut.”

Me: “Hehe tu to Chirkut nikla re.”

Mark Juckerberg: “What?”

Me: “Kuch ni. Hehe. Saala. Chirkut. Tell me, why did you make Facebook?”

Mark Juckerberg: “I was studying in MIT. And I cha....”

Me: “WHAT? MIT, Pune? Maharashtra Institute of Technology, Paud Road, Kothrud, Pune? Bhai I am sure you must’ve had Durga Coffee na? 8 rupees only. Epic stuff.”

Mark Juckerberg: “No dude. MIT in the USA.”

Me: “USA you mean... Under Skirt Area...”

We all started laughing again.

Mark Juckerberg: “What are you talking about? I am talking about The United States Of America.”

Me: “Yeah Chirkut, we know. So tell me, why did you make Facebook?”

Mark Juckerberg: “Well. I had an Indian friend where I was studying. He said the marriage business in India is big and booming. People love to show off their photos. And a thought occurred to me, why not give them a platform where they could showcase to the world with pictures of their rokas, mehendis, mooh dikhais, sagai, shaadi, suhag raat, honeymoon, etc etc.”

Me: “Are you serious? Kutte...!”

I slapped him hard.

Mark Juckerberg: “What was that for?”

Me: “Because of you, our parents have started forcing us to get married too. I am only 32 years old and my parents are asking me to get married otherwise they will throw me out of the house.”

Mark Juckerberg: “You still live with your parents? Haha, you Indians are amazing.”

Me: “Yeah yeah. We know we are. So you’re telling me the main motive behind creating Facebook was to get Indian people married?”

Mark Juckerberg: “Exactly. India is the biggest threat to the USA and if you guys continue with your procreating, you’ll soon be out of space and there will be so much chaos that you will kill each other and India will cease to exist.”

Me: “Banjo. What you’re saying is the truth. It might actually happen. But why are you living in India? Aren’t you scared for your life?”

Mark Juckerberg: “Till the time you know that you can send friend requests to random girls and make funny pages for jokes you copy from 9gag, I have nothing to fear. You can’t touch me. Also, I am trying to locate the founder of Orkut. I heard he is hiding in India. And apparently he is working at a call centre here in Gurgaon. So I keep travelling in the metro in the hope of one day running into him.”

Me: “Bhai tu to chirkut hi rahega hamesha.”

Mark Juckerberg: “Say what you may but I have succeeded in what I wanted to do. You guys have gone mad about Facebook and can’t live without it. I know each and every thing that you do on Facebook. I can tell you right now that you have sent 48 friend requests to girls you don’t know and that you Like your own pictures. Your favourite page is Aap Chutiye Hain and you’ve morphed a photo of you standing next to a ‘Farari’ which you’ve spelt wrong.”

Me: “Chup hoja kutte if you want to live. I think this conversation is over and you must go back to where you came from.”

Mark Juckerberg: “Are you sure? The place where you’re going to drink today is owned by this friend of mine. Instead of 400, I can get you the same deal at 350. Now what?"

Me: “Tu bhai hai Mark. You are a true friend. HEY GUYS! MEET MARK. HE WILL BE DRINKING WITH US TONIGHT! WE WILL BE PARTYING WITH A FIRANG!!”

I shouted and the whole clan started clapping. The train suddenly came to a halt and we all got off at the station. We got off and found auto rickshaws for us.

Me: “Do you know where this place is located at?”

Mark Juckerberg: “No dude. I don’t know the exact location.”

Me: “Ok. I’ll tell the auto guy the route. We’ll meet you there directly.”

I stopped an auto for him.

Me: “Bhaiyya, in bhaisaab ko Chinar le jao.”

The auto guy agreed and I paid him in advance. I gave Mark some tips about how to mingle with the locals and set him off. Then I sat in my auto with a friend and we started towards our destination.

Friend: “Bhaiyya lekin hum Chinar to ja nahi rahe. Aapne use udhar kyu bheja?"

Me: “Bhai us gore ko maine Chinar bheja aur kaha ke udhar pahuchte hi waiter ko bole ‘Bhaiyya main aapki biwi ko baja ke ayah u. Ab thodi beer pila do. Ganda ho gaya hu.’ Uski India trip yahi khatam hogi ab. Na rahega Mark. Na hoga Chirkut ka comeback. Chal. Check-in marte hain ab Facebook pe. Pata to chale logo ko hum kitne cool hain.”

Friend: "Bhaiyya Aap Chutiye Hain."

Me: "Kya bola harami?"

Friend: "Arre I meant Aap Cheeteh Hain."

I got 99 Likes on my check-in. Win.

Mark Juckerberg